Being Closeted Indian Gay

This is my 100th post in this blog, and this is to address about the blog itself. I started this blog for two reasons, one was essentially for myself. I was cheated by the guy, with whom I was starting to dream my life with. One day I was romancing with him in a road trip, and the next day, He was gone. The other trauma was when my best friend, with whom I was friends with for one year, whom I thought I knew so well, with whom I shared my happiness and sorrow had turned into someone I couldn't recognize. I had no one. All those whom I believed would be by my side, for whom I had left all social apps and was content with life, simply left me astray. They planned a life without me, while I didn't plan one without them. I had other thought, I would have left the world if not for my mom. But I couldn't share about my sorrow and pain to anyone. The second reason being, there are many other guys who silently suffer. Who could not voice out, who felt helpless and alone. I wishe...

The Biggest challenge that I keep facing in my day to day lives is falling for straight men. I don't think I have ever tried to approach a straight guy, but there is something about them that really attracts me. The way they speak and move, and especially those I see in my gym. I also remember talking to a guy, who had fallen for his straight colleague, and how every time you wish he had the same feelings you have for him. He obviously gives him many many hints, but that doesn't work. The story of my friend, who is soft and a "good" boy, falls for a "rugged straight" guy, who turns out to be his junior. They hang around well and his attitude and such really attracted him. Many a times he would end up teasing him about "doing it", but then it never lead to anything. Being his senior it wouldn't be appropriate to be blatant about it. Then one day he comes to know that the guy is dating this girl and is crazy about her. "Then I slowly st...

Almost all the gay men, I had met, had gone through an episode of molestation in their lives. Which had changed them beyond what their eyes can see. I have had a faint memory of it happening to me, and I don't know if it triggered me into liking men, or if I had feelings long before. Molestation is a an event of taboo, most of us don't give it any importance, and some give it too much. Some try to forget it whereas some don't remember it at all. but behind the skull there is a scene repeating itself everytime. I remember how I get uncomfortable and feel vulnerable around a lot of men. I used to feel exposed. I don;t know how many had felt that way, but the feeling also comes with a sexual vulnerability. In relationships, it affects more than we know, subtly. Lack of intimacy - your body is the first boundary you have around your world, and what goes inside or on the body, if forced, scars us at a tender age. When you have been violated that way, you make the boundaries...

Exclusivity is one dynamics in Gay relationships that seem to have taken a step back. Mainly because it seems to be hetero normative. Even then I have a huge fascination for it. When I see a straight couple romance so openly, where the guy and girl are celebrated for the "couple" they are. Where the people around them are like "Hey, she is his girl friend", or "They are a cute couple". Recently I saw how my brother would share every video of his fiance's performance. It was a cute gesture, because I have never seen him do that before! You also see how when there is a couple in the group, you give them a private space. They can just go with each other in a group and others wouldn't bat an eye. The way they can just hold hands and walk in front of everyone. They get to sit next to each other. They walk together all the time, side by side, and no one would come between them. Even if they are not near each other, its a given that they are a couple...

There was a time when I used to think that I am Sapiosexual. I was fond of the word, may be. I used to talk with guys who can hold a conversation for hours and hours. But then I meet them, there would be something off about it. Not look wise, but may be the fact that they are too much in their head. Concepts after concepts, and wisdom quotes and lectures. Philosophy too. I would really like all of it, to be honest. I used to get high on information. But those with high IQ lack EQ! As I have been in the sapio crowd too much, I know how methodically and impersonally we can jive for hours, and yet know nothing deeply about each other, as a person. I have been friends with such intellectual beings, at the end of the day, even after years, it is so common and easy for them to disconnect from you, while you end up emotionally invested in them. I even started to get Sapio-averse, with a diarrhea of information flowing from each side, time passes, brain heats up, we feel an orgasmic high,...

A handsome knight in a shining armour, racing a magnificent beast, falls for a light eyed beauty, and they get married, only to be known as the cutest couple you have seen. Many days I have been jealous of the couple, a picture perfect one at that. Its been an year, and she now bears his baby. A wonderful fairy tale, that the friends and family celebrates. The Handsome guy's face I see in a profile, and I decide that its a fake one. Anyway out of curiosity I end up texting. The plan was to ask him to remove the pics of him, after making him confess on his theft of identity. but what happened was a different confession. When I had told him that the pictures belonged to my friend, and asked him to remove, he panicked asking for my identity. Then he came out to me, and asked for a promise to keep it a secret. I obliged. He decided to leave the land of romeo forever, and I had no say on it. I promised him that I would in no way cross paths, and he said he felt guilty. He apparentl...

The Interesting thing about being Gay/Bi, would be when you don't fit to the usual social norms of gender roles quite naturally. For when I see how straight men have to "impress" women and how they do all kinds of weird "acts" around them, and you don't understand it. The entitlement of these girls just because they have a vagina and two breasts, is something that I definitely couldn't understand. May be because I have "options" on the other side. Being Bi means that I don't have to bow down to any man to impress him, nor for a girl. and it drives them crazy. It was rather odd to see how the girls, as they grow up grow apart from you, and also not comfortable with you, because you are essentially a "man", and you know for a fact that you don't have to see them that way. How some girls "like" you, and you just feel weird because she isn't your "type", but everyone around ships you both. You have tha...