Being Closeted Indian Gay

I abide by the policy not to get too close to anyone, as some are not used to the attention and end up falling for you, and it is something that makes you feel miserable, when you don't feel the same way (since you know how it feels, when someone is "close" but not "close enough"). My past apprehensions have made me quite distant anyway, loosing people close to me has been happening from my childhood and I would rather be happy with this distance when it comes to love. I have felt it. the all consuming passion, burning down everything you had, but it doesn't last long. Hence, you end up being okay with someone who makes you feel "safe". But then sometimes you wonder if he is "the one". What if I find that person who would make my heart beat faster? what if there is someone I might find later, who will see me the way I wish someone did? What if I later on end up finding that one person whom I wanted to be with ? Am I settling down for s...

Feelings for straight men is something that a Bi/Gay man can never avoid. You tend to fall for those guys whom you are attracted to and you know for a fact that whatever you do, you can never be with him. Sometimes, when I feel that I like a guy, I avoid him as much as possible, because I feel that I would get softened in his presence. However good looking, good natured, well to do, qualified you are, the simply can't reciprocate to your feelings, because they are not wired that way. With a group of men, you end up feeling lonely, because all these men, would rather stay single or date a girl who in no way is a match for him, but he can't be with you. The feeling is something you have to live constantly with. Then, there are those guys, who are very nice to you, for some reason or the other and you wonder why. Sometimes, you get mixed signals, and you stand there stranded, fighting your voices in the head. Everytime, you talk to a guy whom you are into, and you look for some...

There was something that reverbrated inside me, when I was texting this guy I know. He made a comment about my old pal and it went something like this, " Both of you are nice to me, Why aren't you both friends?", and I didn't give a proper reply except, "You'll know eventually". May be that is something that takes a lot of our time. A lot. Someone you think as "nice", especially in the gay community need not be so. Infact, from what I saw, there are so many nice men, who get manipulated by others, and you have trust issues. Something that I do, to check if they are genuine, these days ( although it makes you look bad for a sec). is to entice them into doing something that you would agree on. Like "cheating". You ask him, in a very casual manner what they think about it, and not just as a opinion, but be proud of the fact that you have cheated on someone, or even tell him anout the guys you have used. If the other guy joins you and ...

I went around to understand my sexuality at around 19 years. My inclination towards men were not just "sexual". It was "Homo-amorous". I wanted to be in love with a guy, and not just sleep with him. I wanted a protector of sorts. I wanted someone to call mine. I searched around mostly for fairytale stories of gay men. There were plenty of series and movies in youtube. Many european movies which showed the beautiful love blooming between two men, and it was a simple and straight forward as a straight relationship. The case was not the same when it came to reality. May be it felt like that. That there was no one who was looking for something meaningful, even if they did, they were mostly on the receiving end. Every guy wanted to be protected, none to protect. Sexual favors were top on the list of many. But, I probed deeper. Every man, Whom I have dated, come out superficial. Looking for sex, looking for hook ups, trying to come of as "emotionally unavailable...

It might seem from what I write, that I am "Pro- monogamy" and that I could be judgmental about the people who sleep around. Gay men have been okay with the hook up culture from the beginning, as being gay was socially unacceptable and all they can do is quench their lust secretly. It was the only thing that they were allowed to do. When we look for a girl for dating or marriage, we don't just see their "size" and "Shape". We look at her character, her ideologies and beyond. But why don't we look at a gay man beyond his muscles and dick size?. "Being a slut", could be sexually liberating, if gay men were not allowed to have multiple partners and if it was a "sin", like with the case of women, in patriarchy. Here, the case is the exact opposite. Gay men are seen widely, around the globe, throughout, as sex objects. How many of us are fed up of every conversation in the apps about "Nudes? Place? Positions? Group?". We...

When this ex of Dobby texted me out of the blue, all those warnings I gave Dobby, all those times I told him not to play with people's emotions ran in front of my eyes. It was too late. Had I been friends with him at that point, I would have given him a tight slap and asked him to apologize for what he did. But I knew that he wouldn't, as he was busy with his new love interest. This Ex had tried all the means to talk to him. But he simply ignored, while this guy had been troubled after the break up, and came to me as a last resort. I tried to settle down his ex, and told him to move on. But, he had other plans, he wanted to take revenge on Dobby and I wished he did not. I spoke to him calmly asking him to go for professional help, and my heart went out for him, cose he had gone into deep depression. Every time he spoke about revenge, I would ask him to forgive and forget. I had my own issues with him, but I wouldn't want to hurt someone for whom I had cared for at one ...

This happened when I had split with my old pal. I felt used by him and it hurt me a lot, after a month, I moved on to live peacefully. But, I got a text from a random person. He seemed troubled and he needed help. Only to know that he was one of my old pal's victims. I remembered the whole scenario, a wealthy guy from the US whom my friend had befriended, and he told me about him. I was pretty happy to make friends and said I would like to join when they meet. but, my friend cautiously had avoided me from meeting him. Which I didn't understand back then. Later on he came to me and told how wealthy the other guy was, and I saw greed in his eyes. He would lie to me and secretly go on dates with this guy (which I came to know later through him). He would tell me about how they have cyber sex after he had returned back to the US, for which I would cringe. Infact, he went on claiming that cyber sex is the safest, as he cannot contact any diseases. I still felt that one need not...