Being Closeted Indian Gay

I must say that I honestly got into fitness because I got rejected from them all when I was young. How much ever I believed in love, I realized that at the end of the day in the gay world looks speak volume. From a fat ugly potato I trained. From a nerdy guy that I was I got into modelling. It was just recently that for a show I had to wear a loosely clad dhoti,and all those guys who used to  ignore me, especially this one accountant guy, who travels a lot, he and I used to text initially and then he seemed to be busy with all the other guys. Just after this, he starts to text and tell me that he is keen to meet. Well, not just him, there were many others who seemed to be behind, showing more interest. I remember how I kinda rejected to go behind these men who seem to be "hot" but extremely shallow, I wanted someone who would enjoy my company for who I am. Who would listen to what I think of the world, who would know my likes and dislikes. Who would want to spend time wi

Somewhere down the line, Karma started working in a completely different way for me. Something that is absurd yet logical. Every time I am in a situation where I am hurt or distressed, I used to want to see the other person go through the same agony as me, but what happens to me atleast is that I would be pushed to a situation where I become the other person, and I would be forced to make the same decision. For example, I was with a guy long back, who was dating a girl. Outside, he would show all this love to the girl and that would make me feel insecure. I eventually left him feeling bad for myself. After so many years, I had a girl interested in me, and I had to pretty much be with her, while I still had this guy in my heart. I realized then that though he had shown all the love outwardly to this girl, he might have been thinking of me, like I did! After the "walk of shame", I felt angry at myself, shameful and lot of regret for whatever had happened, my mind wouldn