Being Closeted Indian Gay

Those were the days when I had been desperate enough to let go. Kel and I were still in touch, as friends and He asked me to move on. He was quite close to "his girl" now, he would fast for her and her well being. By this time, I was just happy for him. One fine day, I felt that I should quit all this and concentrate on myself. So I did. For a week. The pull to find someone was still high. I remember Kel asking me to move on and I thought I'll give it a try. Out of curiosity, I joined Tinder. I swiped the men whom I might be interested in. There came the DemiGod. S DevD. S Dev, was a DemiGod. Hot sculpted face, broad shoulders, piercing eyes. His photography skills were amazing, traveler, loves food etc etc. We were in a way stark contrast. But the pull was real. A normal text of hey hello one day, nothing did I expect. The next day, we exchanged numbers and even had a video call. We spoke all night. The feeling was amazing, the romance was great, initially. Cute messa

Those Rare sensitive men, who draw you to them. Those who take an effort to befriend you, yet they keep the distance. Those charming men who do everything to be charming only to be frank about their intentions. Those men who are seemingly sexual, filling their void in the heart with warm bodies and new conquest. For some reason, they are those who seemingly lead a "Full life". From the guy that Dobby dated, who was in an intensely romantic relationship with a "his friend", only to get married (cose duh!), and got divorced. The Dirty Doc we all know about. The failed love story haunts every other guy in his thirties. Loosing their faith in love, they turn towards making  "Friends". But, I don't understand why that makes it unworthy for the next generation to experience the romance. Why is Romance between men a wrong thing? In Today's day and age, I believe that Men must openly "Romance". Romance of Men must make the women go jealo

For all of you out there. The Gay world is haphazard. Very few I see have come in terms with themselves and have lived a meaningful life. I wish to see more that way. Being Bi, Gay or Trans is not something that we need to be ashamed of, instead, I invite you to make meaning out of it. Something that gives me hope, would be that. Going through countless profiles, dreaming, getting disappointed, the loneliness and the ache when you are not accepted. For someone who is closeted, the pain is as real. Sometimes you wish you could just come out and be okay with it, but the scene in the Gay world is not so inviting. Seeing a couple of my friends who are openly gay, they lead a life that makes me wonder if I would ever want to take such a decision. and the worst part is that, its not their fault at all!. In fact, they are the saviors (as long as they came out because they made meaning and not because it was apparent). To hide a part of your identity, however small, is a task. I was told

I had been very careful that I must not be with married men. It always felt like I am letting them cheat on their wives. But, my naivete had led me to make out with one. For someone who takes zero efforts on someone I like, the once who take an effort to get to know me, I wouldn't ignore. If there is nothing that would be between us, then I would rather make it clear. Married men are a paradox in themselves. Talking to an older friend of mine, the fact that Gay men need to marry for the sake of their parents was an unspoken norm. It was okay for them to lead a double life. These married men, unless effeminate to a point it is obvious, they would get married and hunt for young guys (or other married men) to quench their lust for men. Although it is their choice, the trend that is set is highly questionable. The fact it is okay to cheat on his wife, (cose men, and not a woman), and that the men/boys don't deserve any kind of recognition or respect. Why is it that we settle d

I had tried to move away, but he was persistent. I had been hurt by the lies and the face he has put up to impress me. I had asked him to stop all this and to be with himself. To establish a good relationship and a strong bond before trying to move to men for sex by faking a relationship. He agreed. That is when I got into a relationship with another guy. The Doc was devastated. He cried, drank, clingy as he can be. I cared for him. Gave enough attention that he doesn't move bad. Stood by his side and gave him support. But it was too late. He secretly dated guys, was flirting with men as if he wants to get into a relationship. A naive guy from the US got emotionally attached to him, while he was romancing with a guy in chennai. I did not know about the Chennai guy, but I had to tell the guy from the US that the doc is not as naive as he seems. The US guy, smitten with love, didn't understand. But, I felt that I did what had to be done. It was then that I had a bad break up (Wh

Sometimes I wish I was not that naive, in fact, I was not. I confronted him for not being emotional, and to stop playing with people's emotions. I didn't want to be too hard on him. I wanted to trust him. But that did not happen. He would secretly date and flirt with men, try to win their heart. He liked the chase. When the guys fall, he would ask them accordingly. If they were rich, he would ask for a date and go to fancy restaurants. If they were hot, he would sleep with them. If they were naive, he would romance with them. In a way, in the name of friendship, I had to drive him around. I would tell him everything that happened, from Kel to Sean. What he did  with his men, only the part where they "Fell" for him would come out, all the effort he took to get them, will not. Until I met KD at the pub, I thought he was just a good friend to Dobby. But the way KD behaved it was obvious that there was more to it. For someone who doesn't drink, I was watching eve

What we lack in the gay world nowadays for a healthy relationship or friendship is just this, we are superficial. Period. All of us have the desire to connect deeply with a person, but usually the one you want to connect doesn't want to connect with you. but some of us are lucky that the connect just happens. How do you know if you really are with the right person? Look at my previous blog post. Passion. Compatibility and acceptance. Passion is more physical and that is necessary in the beginning of the relationship. The fire! but physical connect wears off. After sex, especially. you have seen each other's body, explored it. Admired it and when the passion in bed is subsided, what you do after makes a huge difference. You would wanna marry every guy who is good in bed, and after a week, you wonder "What;s next?". Let's face it, most men run around for such passion in bed. There are some people, most of my Doc friends. Passion, may be, but they are intellectu

Doctor Dobby and I had stopped anything remotely sexual, and turned out to be good friends as I got back with Kel. The whining continued and the Drama was intact. Kel had made his final call, and he found himself a girl to marry. He hurt me with his words. "My girl", "My Girl", he would proudly say, he would fast for her well being. I was jealous, I was hurt. It was too much for me to handle, the pain was something I wanted to run away from. This time, He broke off with me. and he didn't "need" me anymore. He had a perfect life. He found a fellow doctor girl to marry and satisfy his family. He found a guy for weekend sex, and I was just a thing of his past when he was going through a rough patch. I was a distraction and now he didn't need me. When I felt that this time the break was for real, it hurt me more than I knew. And while I was there for the Doc when he was heart broken, he was no where to be seen when the same happened to me. From being

Realizing that I have been writing of things that didn't work out, and talking about the things that I don't want. I was wondering why don't I give a positive note to the blog and talk about what I really want. Three words - Passion, Compatibility and Acceptance. And yet again, I end up getting two of three, from my first relationship to the last fling. Passion and Compatibility , with Kel was pretty high.  Passion for me sometimes drives my life. In an otherwise mundane existence, Passion gives me a reason to live. To be passionate, you don't necessarily need to be compatible. My last relationship had no compatibility whatsoever. But there was a lot of passion. But passion is fire, it blows off as fast as it burns. Even one night stands can be passionate, but won't last longer than a night. Compatibility without passion is boring. I have, in my time, found many guys who would be compatible, I even logically decided to date someone that way, just because we wer

It seemed like he was naive and innocent as I am. May be that is how we see people around us. I would travel for work, and would feel good that there was someone waiting for me in my city to hang out. He had his driving test, the 80 kg boy whom I had to drive around annoyingly, finally was about to get his own ride. didn't think that I was being used. It had happened before, didn;t think it'll happen again... The time it happened before when was in my college days, sophomore, to be exact. Through my friend, I met the guy who was, to me the ideal human being. Textbook definition of ALPHA male. had his own submissive Beta friend, and a gang that would praise him and show off. His Charm again, I fell for. Had piercing eyes. I must say, the body toned with martial arts and his base tone voice, how he smelled good always and walked macho. May be I do all that now, but I realized that he had been faking it. Sometimes, A closeted gay man goes to a whole new extent to cover up their

Yet another Doc, in my life. Who was someone I made out with, when Kel and I were on a break, turned into friendship. Someone I thought, aspired to be bigger than the small town we were from. Someone ambitious. Or I thought, he was. As naive as I can be, I would share all that happened to Kel, to him, He claimed to be interested in an older man, who would apparently take him out with his straight friends, and who would go shopping together. The doctor who couldn't drive. I never had a problem that Kel and I never did any of that, as I knew that I was in his mind and he was in mine, but the fact that the doctor with the dobby eyes, told me about his "guy" made me respect him more. It seemed like he wanted a monogamous relationship, which was a fairy tale to me by this point. He never introduced me to his guy. I joined the same gym as him to talk about each other's love life. He would say about the trips he went with his guy and how they made out at strange places. I

The Biggest paradoxes of the Gay world can be broken down with this simple Measure. The MQ. Masculinity Quotient, I feel is the the way the guys carry themselves. "Straight Acting", in normal terms. It is as if the MQ determines whether a guy is Bi, Gay, Straight or Trans. And the MQ is directly proportional to the Desirability. Being someone who has not been called names or commented on for being effeminate, I would say that my MQ is kinda high. Unless of course, I meet a hunky macho, whose MQ is higher to mine. My MQ drops. It drops to the point it becomes apparent. My guard goes off, and then comes the condescending looks. It became very apparent to me, with my last relationship. The guy whom no one would guess to be gay, I would get weak on the knees and a different persona comes out, when I was with my guy. Let's face it. even straight men go soft when they are with their lady love, and I have wished that some guy was like that with me, but when they do, Turn of

The pain of seeing the guy you love and the guy who "Liked", you with a girl. How he can openly romance with her in front of others, while his love to you was confined in private space, somehow made me feel "Dirty". It didn't hit me, until it really happened. He told me that she is just for marriage and that I would be his real love (like). He wanted a girl for his family and himself, and his children. He wanted me to marry, and have a family. Double life. A life of lie. What if one day, she finds out. Should I be doing this to a girl. Should I leave my self respect for love. I thought I deserved better. He would have been the best. I haven't met anyone who made me feel like the way he made me feel. All this without even meeting him. It was a magic that he weaved, and I had to break out of it. The break up was momentary. I couldn't stay away. There were a few from the app who knew that something was between us. They had asked, I had to partially refus

Entry - My guy's racist brother. An architect, I was told, from Mumbai. as handsome as my guy. He was himself a Bi-sexual but treated men only as sex toys, had fallen for a model in Mumbai. From an Ivy league college, I was expecting him to have a great open mind, sadly, au contraire. Referring me as "Madrasi" and all the stereotypes he could think of, He made it clear to me that I did not deserve his brother. I was offended. I told how I felt to my guy. He simply laughed it off. It took just a conversation to know that I was smitten by Kel. His brother warned about how their family is orthodox and affluent and would never accept the fact that Kel is gay, let alone be with a madrasi. He told me about Kel's ex, some successful guy who is still with his arms wide open if Kel comes out to his family. The chances of me and Kel seemed grim. It seemed like I had no future with him. It broke me. I tried to keep myself away. Made dramas so that he would move away. But th

Be it in career or love, Karma is the biggest bitch there is. It is highly seen in the gay world and makes us grow crazy. For I have experienced it served hot. Getting rejected by several profiles who you like, for the profiles you ignored. Being pretentious to men who care for you, only to care for men who are pretentious to you. Being condescending to men who are effeminate, only to be seen the same way by straight men. I was in pain, when I fell out of relationships, when I remotely felt that the interest was gone, or when there was a condescending look, when there was some ex who has still lingering in his head, a new friend whom he was texting or when his attention fell for someone else. Incidentally, when I had to distance myself painfully with such realizations, the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt someone the same way. It was ironic when I felt all of the above in one person, and when he sensed it, he moved away. The feeling was confusing and the pain was hard to comp

The human mind always wants something more than what it got. May be for a potato like me, a handsome hunk like him, who is brilliant and charming, he must be a blessing. And to me, he was too good to be true. Honestly, I thought that he was time passing with me. He wanted to talk to someone and I would make conversations that never ended. When the conversations turned sexual, I would shy away, and if it was for sex, he should have left, but he didn't. Our conversations were random, most didn't make sense. It was hardly even romantic. For someone who was still not over his childhood ex, He didn't want to use the "L" word. My mind drifted that I would one day be as handsome as, as smart. Even now I look up to him. A charming personality with no ego. Every girl who would see him wishes he was hers. But, the real face, took its time to reveal. He was smitten by me for my words, and slowly he admired my ideology. My looks, at that point, was tolerable. As a friend

He was nothing like someone I would want to be with. He was handsome, nevertheless. He had his own story, An ex he loved for seven years and the break up because he couldn't leave his parents. The reason, again, something that was quite hard for me to take in. But, I could see where he comes from. The Naivety with which I spoke to him, I still feel was the real me. His calls and texts kept me glued. He would care so much that I wondered why he was being so nice, sometimes, I would ask. The reason was poetic. That he loved my mind. For some reason, that was not enough for me. I wished he liked me, completely, the way I liked him. His eyes, the way he spoke, the way he made me smile. The secret lover, that he was . Very different on the other side, with the outside world. It was long distant and virtual but the chemistry was just too high. It was tough to keep away from the romance. and that's when he declare his love for me. I didn't know what to say. He stopped texting wit

It was quite a long time, had I actually found a good person, whom I mutually connected with after the Gentleman Doc, and as I moved to a new city. The expectations was high, as usual, the scene wasn't that great. I had to up my standards compared to the town I was from, just to make sure that I don't end up with a lot of people under my wing. Discretion was important. The DemiGod that I met online was someone I wished thought would have a good conversation. But, it turns out the heartbroken DemiGod was Asexual. The Marine Engineer had been in a relationship with an older guy and lived in for two years and one fine day thought it didn't work out. The break up would have been hard cose the reason was simply as painful as any. I wish there was no break up like that, where you as a person just lost the connect with the other. May be that's why my break ups had been dramatic. May be to me, once you join hands the momentary feeling would only stay as long as you go back t

There are various characters in the Gay world. The most annoying (For selfish reasons) is the DemiGod. The Demi God need not necessarily be handsome or ripped, but most of them are. The reason, again, being that every single gay guy wants to sleep with them. Most Demigods are Tops, and would be very demanding, some being bottom, still choosy (nothing wrong in that), I feel that the are put in a pedestal by the crowd, when they show their shirtless pics etc. These DemiGods would mostly be openly gay in Insta, or can be easily identified when you see who follows whom. The DemiGods have no time for most of those who message or follow them. To meet them would usually include you having to do sexual favors for them. I How to identify a DemiGod - 1) Lots and Lots (and lots) of shirtless pics 2) Gorgeous face (Optional) with selfies everyday in Insta or FB 3) Buttload of random men following 4) Usually hangs out/ friends with other DemiGods (or sidekicks) 5) Makes the best use of t

The Gay world, as I could see was a place where you come with the biggest dreams that are slowly shattered. It is like Bollywood. Everyone wants to live the dream, but very few succeed. The frustration and the hopelessness is something that we have to deal with. More than anything the process is filled with various paradoxes. The young guys these days look at a gay man more than as just a piece of meat. They want to share their body with one guy (at least they hope to), While the old ones (Who would rather settle down) look for variety. Sometimes though, I feel that they are in love with the idea of being in love. The few sensible older men do look for a younger guy, but they dont accept guys way younger to them. I personally think that the trend is quite good. But the paradox doesn't end here. The younger guys look for a relationship with guys older than them, while the older guys choose younger guys for variety. I was always of the thought that the older men would be much mo

The Gay pyramid of desirability, is something I see, almost in all cities. It is according to me is how the gay world usually seems to work. But if we learn to respect each other beyond this, and honestly, respect ourselves, we might end up getting a better life. The Top of the pyramid, is the Top and when I say a Top, a Bisexual Top. Most gay men know that Bisexuals are assholes. They want the best of both worlds. They would look at  guys as a piece of meat, may be just a hole to fill. Bisexuals are usually Tops for they only see Men as an alternative to women, who can be treated as sex slaves as they wish to. and the "Bottoms" of the pyramid would love to take them religiously. Yes, it is their choice. But, I feel that Bisexuals would treat the gay men better if we up our standards at bit. The second in line are the gay tops, who look like greek Gods. They would easily get the holes they want, yet they look for more. They are capable of loving a guy as long as their &q

It feels that way most of the time. And there is something that my friend shared recently . It came at a time when I was pretty much lost. Taken for a ride by the people I openly trusted. Whom I thought I could count on. I guess, for being the guy who wants someone to be mine, more than just for bed, or as a dirty secret. I guess, This quote was the harsh reality. Ted Mosby : I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week, and I think: "Wow... Hey, maybe she's the one?" Now I think: "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel." Robin Scherbatsky : You've just been focused on work. Ted Mosby : No, it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... beli

The need to find someone was an innate instinct. Sometimes, didn't let me breathe. The dream that would keep me awake, I would say without shame, was not to achieve high in life, but to settle down with someone caring and nice. One would argue that its better to take care of your life, than to look for someone who doesn't exist. My heart pounded otherwise, Being the Hopeless romantic I was, I had wanted a special relationship to make meaning of this hapless life. The thought of a successful life with no one to share it with was something that I feared, than being special to someone who would love me till eternity. I had my own doubts of my existence. would I be forgotten, a life where my existence means nothing to anyone. But, I would rather be a world to one person, than be a piece of memory for a lakh other. My life had such selfish motive intertwined with the motive to serve people, and connect with those who suffer. The latter, I see, is going as per plan and as much as th

The Romeo site had always been a disappointment. From the small town that I hail from, all the handsome ones who treat the other men like shit and the average ones literally beg for the other, all this wasn't much. Especially I wanted a rare combination of Rugged looking guy with a soft tongue. It was huge step for me to share a picture, and with all the No pic no Reply (Apparently the Golden Rule), it was a tough task to be incognito. I was sure that I would be considered for my face, but the oddly shaped potato me wasn't a great choice for sex. Out of this turmoil, in my unfortunate city, was one guy who spoke well. surprisingly not the soft type by looks. He made me feel secure. After texting for a week or so, I shared my picture. It did not matter much, as he apparently, had a boyfriend, who had also been a doctor. That guy, I met in my second meet, for a brief while, clearly was not a fan of this "Open relationship". Love is Blind though. As for me, What was

Orkut gave me a few straight friends who stayed in touch cose of the similar last name.But to find a discreet gay guy who would come out to a Potato figured high school kid who was annoyingly clingy was just far fetched. The Annoyingly clingy character had nothing do to with my age, I realized when I had dated a few early 30 year olds. The desperation was real. The chances of finding someone decent who matches your ideology were very hard to find. In my case, it was like searching a needle in a Haystack. My desperation led me to look for other places, safe and discreet, but a place for gay men. The planet of Romeos was a safe haven, and the place I chose to start had quite a good crowd, and the closest metro to where I was. blank profiles everywhere. The filled ones very choosy and demanding. The demand for a pic was the "Golden rule" and something I am sick of. Men who bend and mould for a girl's attention act like Cleopatra. Their Ego beyond the sky's reach. Thos

The men that I liked had to be impossible. Some personality even movies couldn't depict. A unicorn. There was a part that really lied to myself that I would find someone. The dreamer in me went through countless profiles one after the other. As time went, I could see which ones were worth the time and which weren't. The need to have a guy in my life grew as I was in College, The Potato that I was wanted to look good, as my Male ego was blown many times by the profiles that rejected me, even after me mustering the courage to show my picture. The worst case scenario had not happened, no one thought I was too hot and stalked me. The hope of gay men is sometimes like a dark dungeon, atleast for me. Countless expectations from both sides, and all that to satisfy in Bed. I was looking for far beyond, an idea that I have to share my body to only one. In a forum of this metro I went to see some sizzling pictures, I got in touch with Doctor with a fetish for underwear. The wide eyed

Still the Naive guy that I was, My interest in the real world was quite seldom. My days were full of cacophony search. I searched for a companion through internet, where not only my thirst for new porn grew but the need for an emotional connect. Prudence being my middle name, I would make all the efforts to make it incognito. The images of Evil predators across the screen didn;t stop me from my search for my emotional mascot. curiously I made friends. The Hidden agenda always hidden, any one who would vibe with me. occasional chat with girls ended with making new friends, thoughts of being with a  girl would come and go but a male companion seemed like Salvation. My interests deepened, as my identity deepened, I slowly realized that I had a "Type". From the cute Classmate, I moved on to keep the "Rugged indian men" as the priority, as my earlier years. Like any other indian gay man, Effeminate men were a no go. The feel was quite uncomfortable because, which I knew

He is still handsome, a good friend even. I am still in speculation if he showed interest in me later on. At times, it seemed obvious, and other times it seemed like a tease. May be I am not that comfortable with him as I was. Anyway, The new entrant in my class was this shah rukh khan look alike kid, who had an extra thumb, (As my 3 grade crush did too) was pretty much an eye candy in the otherwise sad crowd. Every girl had a thing for him, his personality was a stand out. Fit as he can be, his eyes were inviting. As innocent as I was, he was both my competition (at least in my head) and also my aspiration. My love for him was guarded (Like Helga from "Hey Arnold"), by me mocking him. Being the class prefect had its own merits, I would be in watch of the prankster in him, mildly enjoying the attention, while visibly acting pissed. I wondered if he really saw me through, or did anyone else. he didn't have a girl friend, such a relief back then, I would travel in my cycle

To become a self proclaimed Hot Gay Indian man doesn't take much efforts. It happens quite often. The fact that the gay world is driven by the looks comes from the general quote that "women go by the words and Men go by the looks", Gay or Straight, I am sure that rule works well. it is also by the fact that the self proclaimation is quite easy for us. Men, in general, with all our testosterone end up thinking that we are much good looking than we really are. women on the other hand, always end up thinking otherwise (and yet we say, Men are visually stimulated). For someone who was but a budding "Man" back then, as a teenager, I was wondering if I was "Man" enough to call myself fat. But everyone around me sure did. A teenager who had bountyful fat flowing from all sides, the only feature that I was proud of must be my cute face and milky white skin, along with thick hair and feline eyesbrows (If only you were a girl, you would have been pretty, I ha