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End of a time

It's been so long since I wrote. But then when I see people read my blog, and say how much they relate. It compels me to write more. I thought that I don't have much to write anymore. Same old issues, same old stories. I even didn't want to write thinking that the issues I mentioned would probably dilute the matter with too many posts.

But then I write today because something recently struck me hard. A conversation with a love interest who is looking for a partner, realized that I talked a lot about my previous love .Which I didn't know was so obvious. But I clearly didn't move on.

After may be discussing for a whole hour, he asked if I am looking for a lover or a partner? Because you don't have much time until you spend time loving someone who may never be your partner. That's when I realized that I for all these years, haven't had a proper romance, and I am already out of that age. I am old enough to settle down and look for a partner, instead of liv…
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What I would tell my young gay self

Sometimes when you are gay, you are isolated, there are no mentors to guide you what is right and what is wrong. You have to tread carefully and move forward. With all the experience that I have gained so far, I would have to see what is gonna work and what doesn't.

A few things that I would want to tell my younger self if I were to meet him.

1) They are as scared as you are -

I remember the days when I used to ask a hundred questions before I share my photos. I was worried that I would be blackmailed, that I would be raped, and that the guys would kidnap and sell me off. Yes, all this does happen. There are many who are really evil, but as time went, I realized that most of the guys are just helpless and are scared themselves. There are many married men who live a double life, there are famous men, who don't want to come out, there are young boys who are going through the same as you. In fact, some of them are more closed than you are!

2) You would be rejected -

Rejection is…

What I miss in a Man

To be raw about my feelings, you should know that I am a very normal person in real, and at times I wish I was a bit more comfortable with my sexuality. And it happens very rarely. Especially if I am with a Man.

When I am with a sturdy man, I automatically feel so... Comfortable. I miss being touched around my waist. I miss the hands that hold my wrist while passing. I miss the gaze that hits my soul. I miss the short texts we exchange. The small fights we have, the small ways we get back together. How a simple hi would make my day.

Something about how they are not desperate for you. Yet you know the innate need for you that they show. The times they try to strike a conversation. Hmm..

Countless times I wish that things were different. That we could be open to each other and others about our feelings. How I wish I was as gutsy as her to call you often, to make plans, to post pictures with you. To give you gifts .To be having all sorts of regular conversations instead of a gamble.

Alt…

Shallow Shallow world

I must say that I honestly got into fitness because I got rejected from them all when I was young. How much ever I believed in love, I realized that at the end of the day in the gay world looks speak volume.

From a fat ugly potato I trained. From a nerdy guy that I was I got into modelling. It was just recently that for a show I had to wear a loosely clad dhoti,and all those guys who used to  ignore me, especially this one accountant guy, who travels a lot, he and I used to text initially and then he seemed to be busy with all the other guys.

Just after this, he starts to text and tell me that he is keen to meet. Well, not just him, there were many others who seemed to be behind, showing more interest. I remember how I kinda rejected to go behind these men who seem to be "hot" but extremely shallow, I wanted someone who would enjoy my company for who I am. Who would listen to what I think of the world, who would know my likes and dislikes. Who would want to spend time with …

Is this Karma?

Somewhere down the line, Karma started working in a completely different way for me. Something that is absurd yet logical. Every time I am in a situation where I am hurt or distressed, I used to want to see the other person go through the same agony as me, but what happens to me atleast is that I would be pushed to a situation where I become the other person, and I would be forced to make the same decision.

For example, I was with a guy long back, who was dating a girl. Outside, he would show all this love to the girl and that would make me feel insecure. I eventually left him feeling bad for myself. After so many years, I had a girl interested in me, and I had to pretty much be with her, while I still had this guy in my heart. I realized then that though he had shown all the love outwardly to this girl, he might have been thinking of me, like I did!

After the "walk of shame", I felt angry at myself, shameful and lot of regret for whatever had happened, my mind wouldn't…

Walk of Shame

usually walk of shame happens when you have had sex with a total stranger, and you just regret to have done that while getting back home in the morning. But, to me it was different. Some few months back, I met this guy, he was really smart. well behaved and very talented. Mind you, I didn't meet him on any apps, but for work. Everytime he comes to work, he gives special attention to me, while other men "see", he "watches" me. While other man just touch, he "feels" me. He used to openly make it clear that he is there to see me and me only. I used to feel so special. But I never had the guts to reciprocate.

Partly because the reputation he has for being a player. he is extremely smart, very soft spoken and has that charm. Girls fall for him so easy. I used act like I don't like him, but all my peers started noticing the attention I get from him. He talks only to me, the way he looks at me, how closely he stands, how he gets pissed if I have a fight…

Sex Vs Making love

I am usually someone who keeps it minimal when it comes to getting physical, and yet I can say that I have had the best sex, almost every time I have gotten physical. I take time to see if the person matches the wave length and I usually go for Versatile men, although some Tops and Bottoms do seem legit. Even in my relationships, I have believed that I hate sex, but I love "Making Love"!. I personally feel that making love is empowering and extremely good for the body and mind. Some Tips on how to make love that I found to be a great experience with men.

Kissing -

I love passionate kissing. The guys I have been with have mostly been passionate kissers, and try out different ways while making out. Some kiss closed mouth, some give constant pecs, some smooch all over and some use their tongues. Kissing can only be done with those guys you feel passionate about, and the way a guy kisses tells a lot about them. Some just bite and shove their tongue inside you, and if you are in…