Being Closeted Indian Gay

It's been so long since I wrote. But then when I see people read my blog, and say how much they relate. It compels me to write more. I thought that I don't have much to write anymore. Same old issues, same old stories. I even didn't want to write thinking that the issues I mentioned would probably dilute the matter with too many posts. But then I write today because something recently struck me hard. A conversation with a love interest who is looking for a partner, realized that I talked a lot about my previous love .Which I didn't know was so obvious. But I clearly didn't move on. After may be discussing for a whole hour, he asked if I am looking for a lover or a partner? Because you don't have much time until you spend time loving someone who may never be your partner. That's when I realized that I for all these years, haven't had a proper romance, and I am already out of that age. I am old enough to settle down and look for a partner, instead of

Sometimes when you are gay, you are isolated, there are no mentors to guide you what is right and what is wrong. You have to tread carefully and move forward. With all the experience that I have gained so far, I would have to see what is gonna work and what doesn't. A few things that I would want to tell my younger self if I were to meet him. 1) They are as scared as you are - I remember the days when I used to ask a hundred questions before I share my photos. I was worried that I would be blackmailed, that I would be raped, and that the guys would kidnap and sell me off. Yes, all this does happen. There are many who are really evil, but as time went, I realized that most of the guys are just helpless and are scared themselves. There are many married men who live a double life, there are famous men, who don't want to come out, there are young boys who are going through the same as you. In fact, some of them are more closed than you are! 2) You would be rejected - Rej

To be raw about my feelings, you should know that I am a very normal person in real, and at times I wish I was a bit more comfortable with my sexuality. And it happens very rarely. Especially if I am with a Man. When I am with a sturdy man, I automatically feel so... Comfortable. I miss being touched around my waist. I miss the hands that hold my wrist while passing. I miss the gaze that hits my soul. I miss the short texts we exchange. The small fights we have, the small ways we get back together. How a simple hi would make my day. Something about how they are not desperate for you. Yet you know the innate need for you that they show. The times they try to strike a conversation. Hmm.. Countless times I wish that things were different. That we could be open to each other and others about our feelings. How I wish I was as gutsy as her to call you often, to make plans, to post pictures with you. To give you gifts .To be having all sorts of regular conversations instead of a gamble

I must say that I honestly got into fitness because I got rejected from them all when I was young. How much ever I believed in love, I realized that at the end of the day in the gay world looks speak volume. From a fat ugly potato I trained. From a nerdy guy that I was I got into modelling. It was just recently that for a show I had to wear a loosely clad dhoti,and all those guys who used to  ignore me, especially this one accountant guy, who travels a lot, he and I used to text initially and then he seemed to be busy with all the other guys. Just after this, he starts to text and tell me that he is keen to meet. Well, not just him, there were many others who seemed to be behind, showing more interest. I remember how I kinda rejected to go behind these men who seem to be "hot" but extremely shallow, I wanted someone who would enjoy my company for who I am. Who would listen to what I think of the world, who would know my likes and dislikes. Who would want to spend time wi

Somewhere down the line, Karma started working in a completely different way for me. Something that is absurd yet logical. Every time I am in a situation where I am hurt or distressed, I used to want to see the other person go through the same agony as me, but what happens to me atleast is that I would be pushed to a situation where I become the other person, and I would be forced to make the same decision. For example, I was with a guy long back, who was dating a girl. Outside, he would show all this love to the girl and that would make me feel insecure. I eventually left him feeling bad for myself. After so many years, I had a girl interested in me, and I had to pretty much be with her, while I still had this guy in my heart. I realized then that though he had shown all the love outwardly to this girl, he might have been thinking of me, like I did! After the "walk of shame", I felt angry at myself, shameful and lot of regret for whatever had happened, my mind wouldn

usually walk of shame happens when you have had sex with a total stranger, and you just regret to have done that while getting back home in the morning. But, to me it was different. Some few months back, I met this guy, he was really smart. well behaved and very talented. Mind you, I didn't meet him on any apps, but for work. Everytime he comes to work, he gives special attention to me, while other men "see", he "watches" me. While other man just touch, he "feels" me. He used to openly make it clear that he is there to see me and me only. I used to feel so special. But I never had the guts to reciprocate. Partly because the reputation he has for being a player. he is extremely smart, very soft spoken and has that charm. Girls fall for him so easy. I used act like I don't like him, but all my peers started noticing the attention I get from him. He talks only to me, the way he looks at me, how closely he stands, how he gets pissed if I have a figh

I am usually someone who keeps it minimal when it comes to getting physical, and yet I can say that I have had the best sex, almost every time I have gotten physical. I take time to see if the person matches the wave length and I usually go for Versatile men, although some Tops and Bottoms do seem legit. Even in my relationships, I have believed that I hate sex, but I love "Making Love"!. I personally feel that making love is empowering and extremely good for the body and mind. Some Tips on how to make love that I found to be a great experience with men. Kissing - I love passionate kissing. The guys I have been with have mostly been passionate kissers, and try out different ways while making out. Some kiss closed mouth, some give constant pecs, some smooch all over and some use their tongues. Kissing can only be done with those guys you feel passionate about, and the way a guy kisses tells a lot about them. Some just bite and shove their tongue inside you, and if you are

Having written about people who have dated both younger and older guys, I felt that I need to talk about the younger guys. As I was younger, may be to my own preference, I didn't like to date younger guys, but as I grow older, I feel that they have more substance, than I ever did, back in the age, in fact, Some guys are much more mature and worldly than the older men. Energy - I feel that younger guys have a lot of energy. They want to do a lot of things, they can spend more time, and energy on you. In fact, they are not tied down by responsibilities of an adult that they are carefree and happy. They might have their own dramas, but that's just excess of this energy that they don't know how to spend. But even that makes you feel alive. In fact, I feel that if you are really an adult, you'll enjoy the drama ( as long as its not toxic ). They have this passion towards life, love and their own interests that makes you energetic. Innocence - While older men are ext

Its very common for a boy to fall for those guys in class. To me, I have had many such crushes throughout my life. As far as I can remember, I have liked guys who are ambitious and cute. Guys who are sturdy and manly. One of those guys I liked when I was in 10th, used to sit next to me. I used to annoy him all the time. But he would still sit next to me. He wasn't the most good looking, but he was very smart, and ambitious. I loved that in him, but he never paid any attention to me than what he would give the others. Moving on, I was using the "app" with such disappointment, and there  was a profile of a decent torso. What attracted me more was the words in the profile. Very much to the point. and I had shared my picture, and I got replied with my name!. For a second I decided to block the user, but the way he enquired seemed like he didn;t want to harm, but just wanted to confirm. I gave it a shot ( for some reason I was so confident), and he didnt' share his pict

Most the apps prefer dating older men. Including me, I would dated someone younger but I preer someone older as I feel that they are in my wavelength. But may be most people prefer for few the these reasons which I think you can relate to. Feeling of being protected - Sometimes we end up being a "grown up" all the time that you like it when someone else take that space. You feel like there is some one elder to you and that gives you a safe space. Whether they are really that way, is something to debate on, but being an indian, you end up giving them the due respect anyway. When someone elder to you is soft and nice to you, you feel special, and enjoy that feeling of being taken care of. Settled Financially - Sometimes, when you date someone younger, and you as young as you are, you have to make sure that you have enough for going out. But older men, most of them, are financially settled and you can simply be sure that if you are a bit less of cash, they can cover for

I had a friend once who dated NRIs for all the wrong reasons. This is something that comes because of the time when the girls in the family get to fly to some foreign country and come back home loads of gifts. Like Santa claus. I had dated an NRI, and have a friend who is. The Truth of dating an NRI is far from what actually is. People believe that NRIs spoil you with gifts and take you out cose they have loads of cash. May be they do, but coming from a place where they have the "you earn and you spend, I earn and I spend" kinda mindset, they wouldn't bother to "pamper" you like you think. They prefer NRIs for being well spoken and hep. But then sometimes it turns out that all that they do is a speech on "Back in the US/ UK", which would just tend to piss you off. Especially those who have traveled a few countries keep talking about it more than anything, sometimes that turns out to be their only identity. One big assumption, or a doubt that I h

Valentines day is the day when couples celebrate their love for each other. every Valentine's day, I have dreamt would be better than the one before. But things didn't really catch up that well. At this juncture, I was thinking how different my life would have been if I was not Gay. Emotional stability - Most couples give each other an emotional stability. They give a kind of happiness and support. there is always this feeling that whatever happens, you and I will be together. Having dated guys for over 5 years, Not one guy had made me feel that way. I end up feeling miserable at dates because they only look at me as a piece of meat for them to taste. My heart goes for a toss. The kiss, the hugs, the eyes, they all are filled with lust. They quench the thirst of the body, but my heart is dry. There has been hardly any initiative or any kind of reciprocation, as all men feel entitled somehow, and expect emotional advances but never give back. Everyday I deal with Shame. gui

I had mentioned why Indian gay men stay single. But those men above 30s are mostly married and live a double life. I used to feel bad for those who are married and then realised that they just took an option out of need that the situation demands. Recently I saw a gay man, who is pretty much friends with many other gay men, posing with his fiance, and then a group photo of him with his other gay friends. To that girl, of course, they are his "Friends" and I don;t know how discreet he is, but then it was quite clear that he had decided to tie the knot.That got me thinking how things are going to fall for me, and other guys similar to him. Commitment-phobic Men - Men are hardly committed, or pose to be so. I know that this is pretty much obvious and I have been saying this time and time again, but this does not drive away the fact that men need some commitment in life, where the other party is committed to you, while you can fuck around, and the answer is "Women&quo

I decided to talk to a couple who were in an open relationship. They seemed to have settled down and loved doing their thing. and when I say a couple, they have been together for 17 years. Outwardly it seemed like they are fine with it, but as I moved closer, I realised that one of them always feel insecure. Especially when they feel that they are not as fit or good looking as their partner. When we walked around, it was obvious that the fitter one was hitting on me. He was walking with me, sitting next to me, and I made sure that I give attention to them both. But even then, the other one was visibly feeling left out, while his partner was eyeing his new candy. They seemed to be understanding, but to me it was hard to ignore the insecurities that lured in the other. Most of the time, in relationships, its quite common that they don't have to be in a level playing field. One of them could be richer, more handsome, more educated, more masculine. In this case, being secure is no