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Is this Karma?

Somewhere down the line, Karma started working in a completely different way for me. Something that is absurd yet logical. Every time I am in a situation where I am hurt or distressed, I used to want to see the other person go through the same agony as me, but what happens to me atleast is that I would be pushed to a situation where I become the other person, and I would be forced to make the same decision.

For example, I was with a guy long back, who was dating a girl. Outside, he would show all this love to the girl and that would make me feel insecure. I eventually left him feeling bad for myself. After so many years, I had a girl interested in me, and I had to pretty much be with her, while I still had this guy in my heart. I realized then that though he had shown all the love outwardly to this girl, he might have been thinking of me, like I did!

After the "walk of shame", I felt angry at myself, shameful and lot of regret for whatever had happened, my mind wouldn't move on. I felt dirty and sick of myself. Then, it so happens that I got a modelling offer. I was initially scared and uncomfortable, but the event organizer made me trust him. Though I liked men, I never really wanted to open up to him. But he had some doubts. For almost two days, thoughout the training and costume selection etc, he was very decent. But at the end of it, he made a move. A move that was pretty similar to that I had.

But again, I never invited him over (unlike my friend did), here, he invited me for a drink but I refused to drink (just as the other guy didnt) all this made me see how the other guy had seen me. How he was uncomfortable to drink with me, or travel with me, how he pushed me off. I went through the same feelings as him. I did see the other guy like some worm, and he sensed it. I could literally feel him going through the same emotions I did. How I felt bad for my sexuality, how I hated myself for being so sexual, how I wished I never came, or that I never approached.

Anyway, the next day, I leave from the agency, this time walking intact, I felt that I did the right thing, and I prayed to myself that no other gay man should feel this way. I wish we didnt; read between lines, or grow desperate for male attention. All in all, he is a good guy, the co ordinator, just that he liked me a bit too much, may be it was because I was being friendly, but I had no other intention. Is it the same with the other guy? does he see my only as a friend? or is he secretly into me? Why would he call me alone? why would I feel the change in his voice when I offered to invite my friends? I don;t know why I panicked and left to my bike, when he clearly wanted me to drive with him?

(having said that, the guy whom I liked  from walk of shame) invited me for dinner, and this time, I had dinner and walked off before he took me on his car for "long drive", cose the girl who likes him called him like four times. May be he wants to spend time with me, but I think I am partly not feeling it with him, since things are serious with the girl now, who has been gifting him expensive stuff and meeting him almost everyday)


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