Skip to main content

Sleepless nights

The need to find someone was an innate instinct. Sometimes, didn't let me breathe. The dream that would keep me awake, I would say without shame, was not to achieve high in life, but to settle down with someone caring and nice. One would argue that its better to take care of your life, than to look for someone who doesn't exist. My heart pounded otherwise, Being the Hopeless romantic I was, I had wanted a special relationship to make meaning of this hapless life. The thought of a successful life with no one to share it with was something that I feared, than being special to someone who would love me till eternity. I had my own doubts of my existence. would I be forgotten, a life where my existence means nothing to anyone. But, I would rather be a world to one person, than be a piece of memory for a lakh other. My life had such selfish motive intertwined with the motive to serve people, and connect with those who suffer. The latter, I see, is going as per plan and as much as the pain for not finding "The one", I pleasure to serve has been an antidote.

Although, every night the search was there, going through countless profiles, trying to understand the people and facing numerous rejections, being royally ignored and at times, being stalked and begged. It was the same story, taking all my emotions to a spin. The lucky day was the only light in the other side of the tunnel. Some days, the pain was real. As we all do, the pleasure was released by the right hand, and would sleep through only to wake up again for the thought of the special stranger kept me alive. With nothing to look forward to, I was living in my own world of dreams.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

End of a time

It's been so long since I wrote. But then when I see people read my blog, and say how much they relate. It compels me to write more. I thought that I don't have much to write anymore. Same old issues, same old stories. I even didn't want to write thinking that the issues I mentioned would probably dilute the matter with too many posts. But then I write today because something recently struck me hard. A conversation with a love interest who is looking for a partner, realized that I talked a lot about my previous love .Which I didn't know was so obvious. But I clearly didn't move on. After may be discussing for a whole hour, he asked if I am looking for a lover or a partner? Because you don't have much time until you spend time loving someone who may never be your partner. That's when I realized that I for all these years, haven't had a proper romance, and I am already out of that age. I am old enough to settle down and look for a partner, instead of

Walk of Shame

usually walk of shame happens when you have had sex with a total stranger, and you just regret to have done that while getting back home in the morning. But, to me it was different. Some few months back, I met this guy, he was really smart. well behaved and very talented. Mind you, I didn't meet him on any apps, but for work. Everytime he comes to work, he gives special attention to me, while other men "see", he "watches" me. While other man just touch, he "feels" me. He used to openly make it clear that he is there to see me and me only. I used to feel so special. But I never had the guts to reciprocate. Partly because the reputation he has for being a player. he is extremely smart, very soft spoken and has that charm. Girls fall for him so easy. I used act like I don't like him, but all my peers started noticing the attention I get from him. He talks only to me, the way he looks at me, how closely he stands, how he gets pissed if I have a figh

What I would tell my young gay self

Sometimes when you are gay, you are isolated, there are no mentors to guide you what is right and what is wrong. You have to tread carefully and move forward. With all the experience that I have gained so far, I would have to see what is gonna work and what doesn't. A few things that I would want to tell my younger self if I were to meet him. 1) They are as scared as you are - I remember the days when I used to ask a hundred questions before I share my photos. I was worried that I would be blackmailed, that I would be raped, and that the guys would kidnap and sell me off. Yes, all this does happen. There are many who are really evil, but as time went, I realized that most of the guys are just helpless and are scared themselves. There are many married men who live a double life, there are famous men, who don't want to come out, there are young boys who are going through the same as you. In fact, some of them are more closed than you are! 2) You would be rejected - Rej