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Being Indian

Sometimes when you talk with well-read and well - travelled guys, you realize that they have read a lot of western philosophies and traveled to western countries. For some reason, As someone who has been well-read in eastern ideologies as well, and have well-travelled across India, and to have been from an culturally poise environment, I simply am not able to change my stance. The "adarsh" desi that I am at heart is very much strong. My value systems, that I hold dear to.

Casual Sex -

The desi that I am casual sex is kinda still "dirty" for me. I have had encounters as such, but deep down, I must admit, I don't feel satisfied. Its a momentary thing, There is an urge and I get going with any guy I am attracted to, but what next?, I just had an intimate moment with a stranger and that warmth, intimacy and pleasure, all gone with the end. I would rather have a bond with a stranger over coffee and talk about everything under the sun than to be in bed with him and share bodily fluids. I feel that is a very indian thing that we simply take for granted.

Parental approval -

This is something that I do too often than I care to admit. Being Desi, may be my parents may never be happy that I settle down with a guy, even then, if I ever get to that point of getting a guy home, I would want my parents to like him. When I even talk to some guys, I have a scenario in my head if my parents, my friends like him. Would they be happy for me to have selected this guy over a girl, and whether we fit in well in every way.

"My life my rules" policy

Recently while I was speaking to this guy, who was like "Its our own prerogative of what I should and shouldn't do with my life", somewhere around the corner, I felt that its not right. My life and its decisions affect everyone around me and in turn their decisions affect me. If my seven year old boyfriend decides to get married without letting me know, it would affect me. With my parents and  family who have done selfless things to me, and been fed with ideologies to consider everyone's emotions into count, I don;t think I could ever be that "My life my rules" guy. I am more of a "My life has rules for me and you" type.

Sending nudes and Cyber sex

I don't think I have even shared much of my shirtless pictures to the guys I have dated. May be because I am not so proud of my love handles, but also because I don't want my exposed pictures to be in some guy's phone, and any guy who likes and respects me wouldn't really ask for it. Cyber sex is very impersonal and risky. I would rather watch porn and jerk off. I feel the "desi" in me would want to switch off the lights while "doing" it. while guys send me nudes, I would send them a music track in return. If they call me on video, I would not go shirtless. I have lost a few good bodies, but I don't really "feel" it.

"One man person"

Well, with polyamory and open relationships being the hot topic, I would still want that commitment with a guy. I don't think I would want to share my body, my thoughts or even my attention to anyone but my partner. I see how others can flirt with several guys and cheat on them like its nothing, for me, even when I happen to have sex with anyone while I am in love, I am sure there will be no one but him in mind, I can't even imagine myself with anyone else. In fact, if I like a guy, I would devote a part of mind for him, may be that's a very indian thing that you see in movies, but that's how I seem to be wired. I would actually be devout to a guy I am interested in.

The prospect of Marriage -

For a very confused person, some say I seem to be, may be I am very clear about this. That if I am interested in a guy, there will be a part of me that sees if there is a prospect of marriage with him. I tried to do casual dating, and the "lets see how it goes" type, but then "How it goes when I get married to him" is all I can think of. I really might have the expectations of our honeymoon the week I start dating a guy. I don't think where ever I go, this part of me is very desi. The ideology of marriage and family and even kids and growing old.

Will his parents like me?

I remember how nervous I was talking to my ex's brother or best friend, or his friends. I have incidentally two westernized exes(both NRIs) who didn;t care about what others thought about them.  They had a "devil may care" attitude. To me, I wanted them to like me, have a good impression. But for someone who doesn't know how to pour beer, in front of my beer connoisseur ex and his friend, I don't think I made a good impression. May be that's a very human part of me, to be liked by everyone, but also its a bit higher compared to my "western" friends.

Teetotaler  -

Most of the time, I would pass on an oppurtunity to smoke up or have drinks with the high end crowd. I would dance at parties sober, I am wild as it is. I don't do weed or poppers, would rather try it from time to time, but I wouldn't want it to be the bonding factor with my date or friends. I dont mind a guy who smokes or drinks. I just wouldn't be the best company when it comes to bar hoping or smoking up.

Spiritual -

I guess I am very spiritual as a person, not many would like it or those who do mistake it with being a religious guy. I love to talk about paganism or agnostic ideologies. A firm believer of Karma, I also feel justice trumps all other ideologies. May be self righteous to a fault. I can't handle to see people using each other and unapologetic about it. Now its a cliche to call spirituality as being indian, but then I believe that Karma and dharma are very eastern in philosophy.

The struggles I face with the men around I found seem to be more ideological that anything. I sometimes don't know if I'll find an ideological twin, if I'll be attracted to him or end up hating myself, or if I'll be forced to change my ideologies, or leave those I like for my ideologies. For now, ideologies have won over people.


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