Being Closeted Indian Gay

Those were the days when I had been desperate enough to let go. Kel and I were still in touch, as friends and He asked me to move on. He was quite close to "his girl" now, he would fast for her and her well being. By this time, I was just happy for him. One fine day, I felt that I should quit all this and concentrate on myself. So I did. For a week. The pull to find someone was still high. I remember Kel asking me to move on and I thought I'll give it a try. Out of curiosity, I joined Tinder. I swiped the men whom I might be interested in. There came the DemiGod. S DevD. S Dev, was a DemiGod. Hot sculpted face, broad shoulders, piercing eyes. His photography skills were amazing, traveler, loves food etc etc. We were in a way stark contrast. But the pull was real. A normal text of hey hello one day, nothing did I expect. The next day, we exchanged numbers and even had a video call. We spoke all night. The feeling was amazing, the romance was great, initially. Cute messa...

Those Rare sensitive men, who draw you to them. Those who take an effort to befriend you, yet they keep the distance. Those charming men who do everything to be charming only to be frank about their intentions. Those men who are seemingly sexual, filling their void in the heart with warm bodies and new conquest. For some reason, they are those who seemingly lead a "Full life". From the guy that Dobby dated, who was in an intensely romantic relationship with a "his friend", only to get married (cose duh!), and got divorced. The Dirty Doc we all know about. The failed love story haunts every other guy in his thirties. Loosing their faith in love, they turn towards making  "Friends". But, I don't understand why that makes it unworthy for the next generation to experience the romance. Why is Romance between men a wrong thing? In Today's day and age, I believe that Men must openly "Romance". Romance of Men must make the women go jealo...

For all of you out there. The Gay world is haphazard. Very few I see have come in terms with themselves and have lived a meaningful life. I wish to see more that way. Being Bi, Gay or Trans is not something that we need to be ashamed of, instead, I invite you to make meaning out of it. Something that gives me hope, would be that. Going through countless profiles, dreaming, getting disappointed, the loneliness and the ache when you are not accepted. For someone who is closeted, the pain is as real. Sometimes you wish you could just come out and be okay with it, but the scene in the Gay world is not so inviting. Seeing a couple of my friends who are openly gay, they lead a life that makes me wonder if I would ever want to take such a decision. and the worst part is that, its not their fault at all!. In fact, they are the saviors (as long as they came out because they made meaning and not because it was apparent). To hide a part of your identity, however small, is a task. I was told ...

I had been very careful that I must not be with married men. It always felt like I am letting them cheat on their wives. But, my naivete had led me to make out with one. For someone who takes zero efforts on someone I like, the once who take an effort to get to know me, I wouldn't ignore. If there is nothing that would be between us, then I would rather make it clear. Married men are a paradox in themselves. Talking to an older friend of mine, the fact that Gay men need to marry for the sake of their parents was an unspoken norm. It was okay for them to lead a double life. These married men, unless effeminate to a point it is obvious, they would get married and hunt for young guys (or other married men) to quench their lust for men. Although it is their choice, the trend that is set is highly questionable. The fact it is okay to cheat on his wife, (cose men, and not a woman), and that the men/boys don't deserve any kind of recognition or respect. Why is it that we settle d...

I had tried to move away, but he was persistent. I had been hurt by the lies and the face he has put up to impress me. I had asked him to stop all this and to be with himself. To establish a good relationship and a strong bond before trying to move to men for sex by faking a relationship. He agreed. That is when I got into a relationship with another guy. The Doc was devastated. He cried, drank, clingy as he can be. I cared for him. Gave enough attention that he doesn't move bad. Stood by his side and gave him support. But it was too late. He secretly dated guys, was flirting with men as if he wants to get into a relationship. A naive guy from the US got emotionally attached to him, while he was romancing with a guy in chennai. I did not know about the Chennai guy, but I had to tell the guy from the US that the doc is not as naive as he seems. The US guy, smitten with love, didn't understand. But, I felt that I did what had to be done. It was then that I had a bad break up (Wh...

Sometimes I wish I was not that naive, in fact, I was not. I confronted him for not being emotional, and to stop playing with people's emotions. I didn't want to be too hard on him. I wanted to trust him. But that did not happen. He would secretly date and flirt with men, try to win their heart. He liked the chase. When the guys fall, he would ask them accordingly. If they were rich, he would ask for a date and go to fancy restaurants. If they were hot, he would sleep with them. If they were naive, he would romance with them. In a way, in the name of friendship, I had to drive him around. I would tell him everything that happened, from Kel to Sean. What he did  with his men, only the part where they "Fell" for him would come out, all the effort he took to get them, will not. Until I met KD at the pub, I thought he was just a good friend to Dobby. But the way KD behaved it was obvious that there was more to it. For someone who doesn't drink, I was watching eve...

What we lack in the gay world nowadays for a healthy relationship or friendship is just this, we are superficial. Period. All of us have the desire to connect deeply with a person, but usually the one you want to connect doesn't want to connect with you. but some of us are lucky that the connect just happens. How do you know if you really are with the right person? Look at my previous blog post. Passion. Compatibility and acceptance. Passion is more physical and that is necessary in the beginning of the relationship. The fire! but physical connect wears off. After sex, especially. you have seen each other's body, explored it. Admired it and when the passion in bed is subsided, what you do after makes a huge difference. You would wanna marry every guy who is good in bed, and after a week, you wonder "What;s next?". Let's face it, most men run around for such passion in bed. There are some people, most of my Doc friends. Passion, may be, but they are intellectu...