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Putting yourself out there

The best part of being in a relationship is not putting yourself out there. Unlike the straight world, where there is no such thing as putting yourself out, unless, may be when you use tinder to hook-up, you are very much out there, and yet, you are not. The way that you put yourself out, in the straight world is pretty clean.

I don't remember putting myself out there, even in the straight world. very much to myself, I would simply respond to what comes my way. Sometimes, I prank around, I show off as some eccentric lover boy, but that I do making it clear that its just me unwinding, there won't be any follow up later on. I don't think I have ever had the urge to do so, the "follow ups". Very rarely, may be.

It so happens, I haven't met anyone to be permanently friends with in the city, with whom I am comfortable enough to be with. And for the need for some gay friends with whom I could connect, I put myself out there. But, its not something I am comfortable about. At first, by the influence of my friend, I had thought it was okay to do so, but later on, it didn;t seem right.

What am I going to get from all this attention from several people? what am I going to get from all these people trying knowing them, talking about them, gossiping and being part of the gossips?!judging these strange men and getting judged ?! being uninterested in most men,the good ones busy with their lives, the free ones who are too casual, it is simply not my cup of tea.

conversations after conversations, profiles after profiles, pics after pics, lead to sweet nothings. Lets  not forget the men asking for numbers. meet ups and what not. putting yourself out there isn't the easiest thing to do. atleast for me. It puts me at an edge as I mostly don't know whom I am dealing with. The good ones are usually hunted down, pursued even, and they are taken, while I simply don't think that I have ever hunted down someone, in fact, it seems forced to hunt and take lot of effort for someone. I believe in the magic of things happening, slowly but surely.

Sometimes I wonder if I should put myself out there. I wish I could just trust that what I deserve reaches me. But, what if I turn back and I missed on a lot?

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