Being Closeted Indian Gay

As I mentioned in my last post, I was speaking with this guy who had two boy friends, and he showed me his first guy, who was really handsome. The guy I met wasn't so bad too, but the fact that he stood with the other (and being monogamous) to him was something that I wondered more than anything.  That's when I realized something that I didn't before. Conventionally, Men go for looks and Women go for words. Which is something I really believe in, as I have seen that work. It took some time for me to realise that this guy I was talking to was amazing with his speech. This took me back to the times I was attracted to Kel, whom I missed at that point more than ever. Althoug Kel was handsome, hands down, what made me fall for him is the way he could hold a conversation. Be it with SDev or Dobby for that matter. Dobby isn't conventionally good looking, but I wondered why a friend of mine said that he likes him. Beyond his filtered pics and fake posts to make him look wel...

One of my open friend had shared about his life and its happenings in one of the radio programs and He shared its write up to me. He had been open at the age of sixteen and had gone through many hurdles. Rite now he is around 24, single. Goes to parties every week end and has casual sex. Now there are other guys I know who have been open, and lead the same life style at various ages. But that is when I realized that I do not want a lifestyle like that. It is not him who doesn't want to settle down, but the fact that he is happy with those random guys, in plenty, who flirt with him and want to sleep with him, is a place I wish I never go. I say this not in a judgmental way, but out of care and agony. As I read through the lines, the similar situations were many more. Those guys who have been taunted at school and those who had to come out at a young age. Sexual taken advantage of, and end up accepting that as their fate. They flirt with many, they fall for some, some fall for the...

This is a feeling that every gay man goes through. When he sees this straight guy whom he cannot take his eyes away from. The guy is everything you wish for your guy to be, or may be he just has that something that really makes you like him. But, you can never in this life time have him. Because you are a guy and he is not gonna be interested in you. You might the hottest most good looking guy in the world, but he cant be with you for the reason that you are guy. Much worse is when you see the guy taking care of a girl, or looking at a girl in a way you wish he looks at you. This guy from my college, with whom I have had fantasies with, held a girl's hand in front of me, and she blushed. I don;t why, but I felt like a looser at that point. Same reason why hanging out with a bunch of guys is always tiring. There is always that guy whom you end up liking in the group and he in no way be interested in you, and you are afraid if you'll show it out.  Being friends with a go...

I would say that I am that person who takes things for granted unless I loose it, And with the people around me, I wouldn't take that risk. Having been someone who has been in his own company most of the time, I know the value of people in my life. Yet, there are those who don't. Gay men are those beings who are okay with being taken for granted. A guy can sleep with several men, and those men offer themselves happily. In a way, when there is more supply of any goods, its value goes down. Like we make sure our iPhones are unscathed, but our notebooks torn and twisted. Gay men give their heart away so easy, those with the good body can have ample, and be an ass, only to see more men licking his boots. We are taken for granted at every point and we are okay with it. Getting married while his boy friend becomes his best man. He doesn;t speak a word. Being ignored in public, while enjoyed in private, we accept it as our fate. Being okay with being treated as a "timepass...

Being Dramatic is a cliche in the gay world. highly emotional beings tend to be dramatic, especially when you are in love, you go through the emotional turmoil that sometimes you cant handle. When someone is dramatic, and when you tend to like them, it only makes you love them more. But, if the drama annoys you, it simply means you don't like the person enough. Just imagine the guy of your dreams, and he fights with you cose you didn't text him, or he gets insecure when you are close to someone else. If the guy ain't jealous, he ain't that into you. period. I sometimes get dramatic just to see if the other person likes me. And those were the times when their interest in me was apparent. Kel was dramatic, and I loved the day when I was singing with this punjabi guy in the group chat and he got insecure. I wasn't sure if he was insecure for me or him, haha. Anyway, it is okay to be dramatic is what I feel and if the other person cannot handle it, may be it simply s...

It wasn't the first time I have lost hope and wont be the last. We are all familiar with those days when you kinda know that you might not find someone whom you can call your partner. To me, those days have become frequent. There were days when miraculously I find someone whom I would be interested in, but those days have become less frequent. Whatever may it be, being spoiled by those whom I was romantically involved with, I had to set my hopes high. Sometimes, that gives me the hope that still pushes me through. Gay relationships are hard to find, a decent guy amongst the them is almost impossible. Fake men are around the world. Assholes crowd our community, but the minute you find the right guy, its all worth it. The way a gay man can be romantic and the things I have heard guys have done for each other when they date is just amazing. I have heard those stories, and love to hear them more. How they miraculously met out of all the other guys with all the paradoxes aside. How t...

The biggest fear, other than dying alone, was the fear of rejection. I always realized that I would screw up with guys whom I like by over doing something or by moving away voluntarily than take up the rejection. I have always been comfortable with people whom I know for a fact wouldn't reject me. It was a blow to me when a friend of mine (whom I thought would be happy to have me, so arrogantly) seemed not to be so, it made me really insecure. The brain takes rejection as physical pain. That someone is saying that "you are not enough", makes you feel handicapped. It took me days, and even months to be okay with it. The fear that I ran away so much from happened so lightly and I still cant take it. He wasnt someone I thought he would be, and that's a different story. For that reason, I don;t let people close whom I might end up rejecting. I would keep a distance and even make myself undesirable so that they don't ever approach. But, that could just be me. More t...

It hit me hard recently one day, when I felt so wrong about my encounters with the guys whom I have dated in the past. I was angry to a point that I got confused why was I so angry at them, as being with someone and moving on if you don't like them is something that happens normally. Yet, I was furious at them. Then I realized that there was that one word that pretty much summed up my love life than anything and that was "Time pass". What is the difference between "Dating" and "Time pass" is just that. Dating involves an inherent need to see if the relationship lasts, they flirt and make out, hang out and what not with the agenda of being together and being comfortable, compatible with each other. Time pass doesn't have that agenda. You are bored, you have the time and the money, and you use the other person to fill those time you would rather watch a movie. The other person is your "Entertainment". In no case have I seen any one I hav...

while I was talking to one of my friend, who had been in a two year relationship an year back and had turned to sex for intimacy (which aint wrong), I told him about how I still feel that emotional bond is needed for that kind of physical intimacy to be great. He made it clear to me that he was in that phase and have moved out of it (although he smiles wryly while he talks about his new bae), the one thing that he mentioned would be that gay relationships don't last more than four years max. I wasn't sure if that's the case, since I have not seen any who have been able to maintain (unless they are in an open relationship, may be). I started to compare why the straight relationships last longer, or had lasted. Straight relationships don't go around fucking (atleast most of them), and the reason could be a child. Two people can't stay with each other forever with only their company, especially if you live with them and hang out with them daily. For how many years wou...

We all see those Demi gods with their attitude. With their profiles pinging endlessly. For someone who has been condescending about it, I completely understand them now. The cause is the overwhelming response to you from a herd of people whom in no way you can respond to. And how even the slightest case of niceity is taken for something else. Ther have been instances where I would have done the same mistake. Taken the niceity for love. And it hurts more. And those are the times you wish they never really replied to your messages or made an attempt to be nice. But then there are those who use the attitude to elevate their narcissism. If only they be ignored for the same instead of being celebrated. Some show this "attitude" that they think is their "personality". To me may be it's the lack of it. Just like narcissism being the lack of self love and acceptance. 

Most of the gay men are indeed good looking. Just for the fact that out profiles attract crowd and we can get laid not by anything but the nudes that we send to each other. It has been pretty much the case. You look good, you get laid. But for someone to treat you more than just as a piece of meat. Which eventually we all want. Then it takes more than the looks. We all want that one guy who looks at us like we are the best thing in their lives. There are times when that just doesn't happen. Like what I read in my friend's blog recently and how after the guy cums he looks at you with regret. May be that's because there is something more than looks that gay men need to work. It's their personality. You may ask what is the difference between looks and personality. Its the difference between a movie stars and models. Models might be good looking but they need more than looks to be a movie star. To capture the audience with their charisma. You may be tall, short, fat, s...

This is the norm. Our horny men need sex. For someone who writes a lot and reads more, I have always run through profiles to fall for a person's writing. My profile in PR or Grindr have been highly neglectable. Not many read. Pictures speak a thousand words, and even if someone does end up reading all of this, I still don;t think it means I am going to be interested only for that criteria. Being someone who believes in personality over looks, someone with an amicable personality is hard to find. Why would we look out for personality anyway? are we gonna live with them? no!. Why so? Cose we just need sex. We just need a hot body with a bad attitude who would treat each other either as god or as toad. How many times have we went on a date with a hot body but uptight/ loose personalities (?!) There are a few I have encountered, mostly they are taken though, have worked on their personality and have become someone everyone has wanted. May be I am choosy and have lousy profiles for t...

Thanks to those random people and well wishers for letting me know about what you felt about the blog. I had decided to stop writing as I didn't think there was much going on in my life. But, those who have been supporting me and asking me to write more are the only reason that I decided to write again. I do not know what changes could ever come from this, but at least a try!