Being Closeted Indian Gay

I abide by the policy not to get too close to anyone, as some are not used to the attention and end up falling for you, and it is something that makes you feel miserable, when you don't feel the same way (since you know how it feels, when someone is "close" but not "close enough"). My past apprehensions have made me quite distant anyway, loosing people close to me has been happening from my childhood and I would rather be happy with this distance when it comes to love. I have felt it. the all consuming passion, burning down everything you had, but it doesn't last long. Hence, you end up being okay with someone who makes you feel "safe". But then sometimes you wonder if he is "the one". What if I find that person who would make my heart beat faster? what if there is someone I might find later, who will see me the way I wish someone did? What if I later on end up finding that one person whom I wanted to be with ? Am I settling down for s...

Feelings for straight men is something that a Bi/Gay man can never avoid. You tend to fall for those guys whom you are attracted to and you know for a fact that whatever you do, you can never be with him. Sometimes, when I feel that I like a guy, I avoid him as much as possible, because I feel that I would get softened in his presence. However good looking, good natured, well to do, qualified you are, the simply can't reciprocate to your feelings, because they are not wired that way. With a group of men, you end up feeling lonely, because all these men, would rather stay single or date a girl who in no way is a match for him, but he can't be with you. The feeling is something you have to live constantly with. Then, there are those guys, who are very nice to you, for some reason or the other and you wonder why. Sometimes, you get mixed signals, and you stand there stranded, fighting your voices in the head. Everytime, you talk to a guy whom you are into, and you look for some...

There was something that reverbrated inside me, when I was texting this guy I know. He made a comment about my old pal and it went something like this, " Both of you are nice to me, Why aren't you both friends?", and I didn't give a proper reply except, "You'll know eventually". May be that is something that takes a lot of our time. A lot. Someone you think as "nice", especially in the gay community need not be so. Infact, from what I saw, there are so many nice men, who get manipulated by others, and you have trust issues. Something that I do, to check if they are genuine, these days ( although it makes you look bad for a sec). is to entice them into doing something that you would agree on. Like "cheating". You ask him, in a very casual manner what they think about it, and not just as a opinion, but be proud of the fact that you have cheated on someone, or even tell him anout the guys you have used. If the other guy joins you and ...

I went around to understand my sexuality at around 19 years. My inclination towards men were not just "sexual". It was "Homo-amorous". I wanted to be in love with a guy, and not just sleep with him. I wanted a protector of sorts. I wanted someone to call mine. I searched around mostly for fairytale stories of gay men. There were plenty of series and movies in youtube. Many european movies which showed the beautiful love blooming between two men, and it was a simple and straight forward as a straight relationship. The case was not the same when it came to reality. May be it felt like that. That there was no one who was looking for something meaningful, even if they did, they were mostly on the receiving end. Every guy wanted to be protected, none to protect. Sexual favors were top on the list of many. But, I probed deeper. Every man, Whom I have dated, come out superficial. Looking for sex, looking for hook ups, trying to come of as "emotionally unavailable...

It might seem from what I write, that I am "Pro- monogamy" and that I could be judgmental about the people who sleep around. Gay men have been okay with the hook up culture from the beginning, as being gay was socially unacceptable and all they can do is quench their lust secretly. It was the only thing that they were allowed to do. When we look for a girl for dating or marriage, we don't just see their "size" and "Shape". We look at her character, her ideologies and beyond. But why don't we look at a gay man beyond his muscles and dick size?. "Being a slut", could be sexually liberating, if gay men were not allowed to have multiple partners and if it was a "sin", like with the case of women, in patriarchy. Here, the case is the exact opposite. Gay men are seen widely, around the globe, throughout, as sex objects. How many of us are fed up of every conversation in the apps about "Nudes? Place? Positions? Group?". We...

When this ex of Dobby texted me out of the blue, all those warnings I gave Dobby, all those times I told him not to play with people's emotions ran in front of my eyes. It was too late. Had I been friends with him at that point, I would have given him a tight slap and asked him to apologize for what he did. But I knew that he wouldn't, as he was busy with his new love interest. This Ex had tried all the means to talk to him. But he simply ignored, while this guy had been troubled after the break up, and came to me as a last resort. I tried to settle down his ex, and told him to move on. But, he had other plans, he wanted to take revenge on Dobby and I wished he did not. I spoke to him calmly asking him to go for professional help, and my heart went out for him, cose he had gone into deep depression. Every time he spoke about revenge, I would ask him to forgive and forget. I had my own issues with him, but I wouldn't want to hurt someone for whom I had cared for at one ...

This happened when I had split with my old pal. I felt used by him and it hurt me a lot, after a month, I moved on to live peacefully. But, I got a text from a random person. He seemed troubled and he needed help. Only to know that he was one of my old pal's victims. I remembered the whole scenario, a wealthy guy from the US whom my friend had befriended, and he told me about him. I was pretty happy to make friends and said I would like to join when they meet. but, my friend cautiously had avoided me from meeting him. Which I didn't understand back then. Later on he came to me and told how wealthy the other guy was, and I saw greed in his eyes. He would lie to me and secretly go on dates with this guy (which I came to know later through him). He would tell me about how they have cyber sex after he had returned back to the US, for which I would cringe. Infact, he went on claiming that cyber sex is the safest, as he cannot contact any diseases. I still felt that one need not...

Recently with JK, when I was speaking with him, he was upset that I was speaking about my ex, although my exes have been majorly two, there was this guy with whom I went out with. It was highly boring, that even writing a post about him isn't something I want to. But, I don't want to not talk about him, as he did play a part in my life. He was very sweet, infact, it was more of me trying to save him from the clutches of my old pal, Dobby. The thing that really made me curious was that he was a virgin. My old pal wanted to take his virginity, for he had a shapely "adonis belt", just by "speaking" with him, and leave him after he is done. I felt pretty bad, as he was 27 and a virgin, and I can very much relate to him, looking for someone special to share the special moment. As I started speaking to him out of concern, I didn't let out the actual fact, yet I had to make it seem casual. But he got really upset by it, as I sounded too forward. And we did...

Monogamy is seen as something that is heteronormative. That it doesn't and cannot be defined in a homosexual relationship just because there is no "child" involved. To me, I believe that it is more than that, I prefer monogamy with a man for various other reasons, that I find to be the best place to be. After leaving all the social apps, I think its been a month. I don't have the anxiety of "missing out" on a lot of people. I am content to be the one, who for now keeps me occupied. I am able to think/ speak and emote with one person, whom, to my knowledge is exclusive with me (although we are not officially together, as I want to be sure sure). The other reason being, I don't have to face the pain of rejection from random men, being called out for "just sex" in lewd ways as possible. Also, I don't have to reject men, who could be fine as they are. To me, polyamory or open relationships don't make sense, simple because we think the ot...

Being a loner from my childhood days, with working parents, I had to take care of myself from a very young age. At least emotionally, if not for other things. I tried my best to be the "perfect" kid, and by being an "adult", during school. It was only when my first boy friend gave me attention, that I realized that it was common to be taken care of. I don't think  I was at ease being vulnerable to anyone. For the sake of protection, may be, I wished to be with someone older. That I would have someone who would help me take decisions in life and who would be level headed if I throw tantrums. Boy, was I wrong. The older men that I have dated in the past have been highly reckless. Insensitive. Self centered or emotionally unavailable. The sheer baggage that they carry is hard to take and you are expected to be "cool" about it. The lack of intimacy, to the number of guys they have as options, it is not worth the hype. I did, honestly, expect them to be ...

Its been a few weeks since I left all those apps I have been in. It wasn't until I met a friend I knew anything about it. I used to be happy with the guy I liked, didn't want anything more. A text in a day was enough. Until my old friend came to my life. Who made me frustrated with the fact that you have to be constantly in search. That you have to have more men as options. That you must socialize and get as many men to notice you as possible. That having options is a safe zone to be, so that if you get rejected by one, you have many others, and you wouldn't be emotionally affected. After months of staying away from that friend who constantly checks the apps even while you are with him, I realized that I just didn't want so much attention. I didn't want options. In fact, having options only made it worse for the ones I had. You only know how it feels when you are treated as one. Another reason of being in these apps is the fact that you would always end up being ...

Having had failed in two major relationships and friendship gone sour, it isn't the easiest to fall for someone again. But I told myself not to fall for such happenings in life. In fact, all this would make meaning when you meet that one guy who would prove that all men are NOT the same. ;) And then this guy comes, younger to me, had my apprehensions in the beginning. Would I end up baby sitting him? Would he be dramatic for me to handle. Those stereotypes ran in my mind, but honestly when I had to "disappear" suddenly for work, he cared. Which made an impact in me that felt right. And it didn't feel dramatic, or too much. It felt right. Timing and distance isn't exactly helping. I don't know if he is the one. He isn't the perfect guy, but I feel I like him a bit more, may be because he likes me the way I am. With all of us trying to change each other, or expect for someone better, he seemed pretty okay with me. I know that feeling though. Be it any g...

Another encounter with a Bi man, an insanely handsome one, with whom I started chatting casually. but he ended up having a girl friend. The picture where she hides her head on his muscular chest, showing just an eye, while he takes a selfie. More than anything else, those assholes who comment "So sweet", "So cute", "You both xoxo", drills a hole in your heart. I wish one day such men proudly present their guys like this. that such men would one day show their true feelings for you instead of making you look like a delusional freak. ugh

There are several guys whom you wish texted you back, There are guys whom you wish they liked you back. But, there are many who did. But we end up loosing that spark so fast. May be because it was the mystery that kept them interesting. Once when you know too much about them, or once you see their flaws or the fact that they are not what you think they are, the spark goes away. Haven't we heard of such stories? Dating for three years, four years only to see that they lost the spark. Guess that happened to me too. A goof friend of mine whom I have texted very occasionally, but I met very rarely. As days went by, the initial josh went away. I don;t know if its the same with women. I guess it is. But at least its socially acceptable. But with men, especially when both of them are independent, leaving each other seems easy, Although, at times, one of them end up being emotionally attached. May be that even happens, when you text a guy seeing his social profiles, where you like one...

As human beings, we expect much from another. It starts with our parents. We expect our parents to take care of us now, so that we take care of them later. In the gay world, the biggest paradox is this expectation. Though two people can be physically compatible, the issues arise when one expects the other to financially provide to the other, as a part of the relationship, usually the older one. This is highly influenced by the hetero-normative culture. But with gay men, I have seen that sometimes it is skewed. It is very hard to perceive what kind of expectations come towards you. One would want you for emotional support, while providing financially. Some look mutuality where they are financially and emotionally independent. Some barter sex for emotional comfort, and some barter financial support for sexual satisfaction (no, I didn't mean the commercials). The issue begins when the other person has nothing to offer. No emotional connection, no sexual satisfaction nor financial...

White lies are pretty normal in the Gay world, and from name to profession, we change the information to keep ourselves discreet. There are a few whom you find to be decent enough to be okay with giving out the real info. Those whom you trust. I feel that as long as the intention is to protect ourselves, there is nothing wrong with these white lies.  But then what was disturbing to me, was when people lie about their preferences, their social status and even the fact if they are committed or in an open relationship. whether they are just looking to time pass, or be in a serious relationship.  I usually draw the line at that point when I go for dates, where false hopes don't linger. As that would affect the other person. Do nothing to another that you wouldn't want to be done to you. How would you feel if your boy friend has another affair, while you are exclusive? how would you feel when the guy whom you think you are dating is passing time with you. How would you feel...

Any of my relationships flourished and thrived in Conversations. Being in a long distant monogamous relationship for a year isn't easy, but I could not have done it myself. Even with all the differences we had, we converse, even as a fight. Getting to know the person happens through this. Knowing about our deeper selves happen through conversations. But, what I lack the most today is just that. Today, the conversations have died out to "Pics?", "Nudes?", "Type?", "Got place" and yes, sometimes it is pretty frustrating to keep conversations with a lot of people, not leading anywhere. But, now, my whatsapp is barren without those messages. I have those occasional ones from the sites who have good convos, but the underlying contract is that I should fall in love with them, or interested to spend the rest of my life with them. Or else, ciao. This had happened recently more than ones. I have a good conversation with this person, who read my b...

As a closeted Bisexual, I feel that I am not understood. I am not understood by both gay men and Straight. May be because being Gay is portrayed in a way that I am not and it is hard to fit in. When I went to meet a gay friend of mine, He made me wear make up and I just wanted to throw up. I didn't want to dance bharathnatiyam, nor do I enjoy "classical" music of any sort. I don't watch "Ru paul's drag race",  nor do I always pout for the selfies. I don't want to dress up and giggle and I don't have "Girl" friends. I dont like to be referred as "She" nor will I want to refer a man as "She". May be the only thing that I feel is the same with another gay guy would be the fact that both of us want to be with a man. And having said that, I want a Man, who would have the attributes of a man. No, that does not make me a girl, no I don't want to behave like one too. I am not so expressive and I am not dramatic. I don...

A friend of mine, who is effeminate, I am attracted to him,  but certain things he does and certain ways he speaks makes me feel uncomfortable. Most Open Gay men are okay with it, they infact feel belonged to it. Truth be told, I am very uncomfortable around them. But as I search around, I realised that with some people I end up being so restless. Especially those who are manly, I get so shy and childish. The biggest realization was when Sdev suddenly became so effeminate with me, and I was with my friends. I was so uncomfortable, yet I didn't show it as he was then my boyfriend and I had to be okay with it. Incidentally, with everyone else he is very macho, while with me, he would get shy and childish, he would flip his hair and act all "sassy". At one point, we had a prolem as I acted childish around one of "straight" friends (who is hot!)and he felt disgusted. I recently tried to set up two guys (who wanted to date me, but I thought they'll be a good p...

Suddenly, I became horny, so horny that I really wanted to sleep with someone asap. I opened to Grind only to see the same faceless torsos, asking for their needs and wants, place, preference and what not. In that hussle, I waited, I waited if I'll get someone to sleep with. I hurriedly sent my pics to a few and they didn't respond, and some were finnicky on me not sharing my number. I couldn't do much until I realized that I don't want to sleep around. The weather was amazing and I really wanted to cuddle and kiss (don't judge), until the memories flashed of my friend. With whom I had ended up sleeping with to run away from my agony (and I was very attracted to him), but I didn't have feelings for him. The Agony grew, as I know exactly how it'll feel. I realised may be its better this way, and I ended up closing the app and masturbated.  Sometimes, I failed to understand how some men demand sex, while you are asexual, and how I used to believe that they...