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feelings for straight men

Feelings for straight men is something that a Bi/Gay man can never avoid. You tend to fall for those guys whom you are attracted to and you know for a fact that whatever you do, you can never be with him. Sometimes, when I feel that I like a guy, I avoid him as much as possible, because I feel that I would get softened in his presence. However good looking, good natured, well to do, qualified you are, the simply can't reciprocate to your feelings, because they are not wired that way. With a group of men, you end up feeling lonely, because all these men, would rather stay single or date a girl who in no way is a match for him, but he can't be with you.

The feeling is something you have to live constantly with. Then, there are those guys, who are very nice to you, for some reason or the other and you wonder why. Sometimes, you get mixed signals, and you stand there stranded, fighting your voices in the head. Everytime, you talk to a guy whom you are into, and you look for some clues that the person is into you, you casually ask about their relationship status. You wonder if he is just being nice to you, or he is hiding his feelings too. Its a bitter sweet experience.

Things aren't exactly the same when you have nosey friends or he has nosey friends who are up in their business all the time. Who might just barge in or bitch about you. You get very conscious about where you are looking, because you so badly want to look at his face, you so badly want to talk to him. You wish he was single and had been waiting for you and wants to talk to you and spend time with you as much as you want. It hardly happens.

The amount of attention a girl can command on a guy, is something you cannot. You need to keep a distance. you have to follow a code of conduct. The other dynamic which is slightly insulting is when the other person senses that you are up to something with them, you give away a bit and they avoid you, downright or end up even mocking. God forbid that hasn't happened so far, but what if it happens behind your back? what if he is nice to you in front of you, but bitches about you or fills up his male ego with your attention?

Sometimes you just wish you stop trying, that you mind your own business and be happy by yourself. And then sometimes you wish you don't care about what others think and be direct. There are so many men around, like you in the middle of the ocean, and no water to drink, you have this secret expectation of every nice guy you see, wish he likes you back. That they look at you and admire you. But that hardly ever happens, and it creates kind of an alienation from the world as such.

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