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Seeing someone younger

Being a loner from my childhood days, with working parents, I had to take care of myself from a very young age. At least emotionally, if not for other things. I tried my best to be the "perfect" kid, and by being an "adult", during school. It was only when my first boy friend gave me attention, that I realized that it was common to be taken care of. I don't think  I was at ease being vulnerable to anyone. For the sake of protection, may be, I wished to be with someone older. That I would have someone who would help me take decisions in life and who would be level headed if I throw tantrums. Boy, was I wrong.

The older men that I have dated in the past have been highly reckless. Insensitive. Self centered or emotionally unavailable. The sheer baggage that they carry is hard to take and you are expected to be "cool" about it. The lack of intimacy, to the number of guys they have as options, it is not worth the hype. I did, honestly, expect them to be able to handle the juvenile side of me, that I would not let out until I am very comfortable with them. But, they only expect you to be responsible and "man up".

May be that is what I am tired of. I am tired of "taking care" and helping, being the responsible one, being the "Go to" guy, being the "good one", the "Perfect guy". I decided to not impress anyone I am with, in fact be difficult enough that they can leave if they want to. Most of all, with the number of "chilled out" boys ready to flirt and be casual with them being high, I end up feeling insecure. By the time a gay man turns thirty, he has seen them all. He has done it all. What stays back is a shiny steel Armour that is not penetrable, or a guy who is not available. They don't accept you as you are, in fact, there is condemnation, remnants of their self policing. Having done everything they can, they lack the passion of a young man (even though 30s is a bit young), and most of all, with all the options of being "independant", they lack intimacy.

I purposefully don't date the younger lot, as they could be too much for me to handle. They could be highly emotionally vulnerable than I am, and being young myself, I don't want to get into it. May be I am not expecting a one way paradise, but a sense of mutual understanding and being. But, now, I see that in him. I see a very understanding guy who is clear headed and seems to be okay with my juvenile side. Of course, I don;t know its the real him, as I know how my "previous close pal" used to act like a "grown up", while his plan was to get the guy like him for some hidden agenda of his. He was never himself to anyone he dated.

So far, I am taking it slow, to see him be himself, his juvenile side, I haven't seen, nor do I know his past enough. The fact that he is a doctor, gives me more apprehensions. I wish to see him as he is, instead of the past friend with the mask on, all the time. May be we all have a mask on, I do too. But at least not to someone I want to be with. 


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