Skip to main content

The Empty Shell

Suddenly, I became horny, so horny that I really wanted to sleep with someone asap. I opened to Grind only to see the same faceless torsos, asking for their needs and wants, place, preference and what not. In that hussle, I waited, I waited if I'll get someone to sleep with. I hurriedly sent my pics to a few and they didn't respond, and some were finnicky on me not sharing my number. I couldn't do much until I realized that I don't want to sleep around. The weather was amazing and I really wanted to cuddle and kiss (don't judge), until the memories flashed of my friend. With whom I had ended up sleeping with to run away from my agony (and I was very attracted to him), but I didn't have feelings for him. The Agony grew, as I know exactly how it'll feel. I realised may be its better this way, and I ended up closing the app and masturbated. 

Sometimes, I failed to understand how some men demand sex, while you are asexual, and how I used to believe that they are an empty shell. Honestly, I feel empty. I wish I could take this emptiness away, or fill it with something meaningful. I remember the time when I was with SDev, that I suddenly felt complete. Like I had gotten all that I want. But I was delusional. Now the fact that I would never feel that way, really makes me feel empty.


Popular posts from this blog

End of a time

It's been so long since I wrote. But then when I see people read my blog, and say how much they relate. It compels me to write more. I thought that I don't have much to write anymore. Same old issues, same old stories. I even didn't want to write thinking that the issues I mentioned would probably dilute the matter with too many posts. But then I write today because something recently struck me hard. A conversation with a love interest who is looking for a partner, realized that I talked a lot about my previous love .Which I didn't know was so obvious. But I clearly didn't move on. After may be discussing for a whole hour, he asked if I am looking for a lover or a partner? Because you don't have much time until you spend time loving someone who may never be your partner. That's when I realized that I for all these years, haven't had a proper romance, and I am already out of that age. I am old enough to settle down and look for a partner, instead of

Walk of Shame

usually walk of shame happens when you have had sex with a total stranger, and you just regret to have done that while getting back home in the morning. But, to me it was different. Some few months back, I met this guy, he was really smart. well behaved and very talented. Mind you, I didn't meet him on any apps, but for work. Everytime he comes to work, he gives special attention to me, while other men "see", he "watches" me. While other man just touch, he "feels" me. He used to openly make it clear that he is there to see me and me only. I used to feel so special. But I never had the guts to reciprocate. Partly because the reputation he has for being a player. he is extremely smart, very soft spoken and has that charm. Girls fall for him so easy. I used act like I don't like him, but all my peers started noticing the attention I get from him. He talks only to me, the way he looks at me, how closely he stands, how he gets pissed if I have a figh

What I would tell my young gay self

Sometimes when you are gay, you are isolated, there are no mentors to guide you what is right and what is wrong. You have to tread carefully and move forward. With all the experience that I have gained so far, I would have to see what is gonna work and what doesn't. A few things that I would want to tell my younger self if I were to meet him. 1) They are as scared as you are - I remember the days when I used to ask a hundred questions before I share my photos. I was worried that I would be blackmailed, that I would be raped, and that the guys would kidnap and sell me off. Yes, all this does happen. There are many who are really evil, but as time went, I realized that most of the guys are just helpless and are scared themselves. There are many married men who live a double life, there are famous men, who don't want to come out, there are young boys who are going through the same as you. In fact, some of them are more closed than you are! 2) You would be rejected - Rej