Being Closeted Indian Gay

This is my 100th post in this blog, and this is to address about the blog itself. I started this blog for two reasons, one was essentially for myself. I was cheated by the guy, with whom I was starting to dream my life with. One day I was romancing with him in a road trip, and the next day, He was gone. The other trauma was when my best friend, with whom I was friends with for one year, whom I thought I knew so well, with whom I shared my happiness and sorrow had turned into someone I couldn't recognize. I had no one. All those whom I believed would be by my side, for whom I had left all social apps and was content with life, simply left me astray. They planned a life without me, while I didn't plan one without them. I had other thought, I would have left the world if not for my mom. But I couldn't share about my sorrow and pain to anyone. The second reason being, there are many other guys who silently suffer. Who could not voice out, who felt helpless and alone. I wishe...

The Biggest challenge that I keep facing in my day to day lives is falling for straight men. I don't think I have ever tried to approach a straight guy, but there is something about them that really attracts me. The way they speak and move, and especially those I see in my gym. I also remember talking to a guy, who had fallen for his straight colleague, and how every time you wish he had the same feelings you have for him. He obviously gives him many many hints, but that doesn't work. The story of my friend, who is soft and a "good" boy, falls for a "rugged straight" guy, who turns out to be his junior. They hang around well and his attitude and such really attracted him. Many a times he would end up teasing him about "doing it", but then it never lead to anything. Being his senior it wouldn't be appropriate to be blatant about it. Then one day he comes to know that the guy is dating this girl and is crazy about her. "Then I slowly st...

Almost all the gay men, I had met, had gone through an episode of molestation in their lives. Which had changed them beyond what their eyes can see. I have had a faint memory of it happening to me, and I don't know if it triggered me into liking men, or if I had feelings long before. Molestation is a an event of taboo, most of us don't give it any importance, and some give it too much. Some try to forget it whereas some don't remember it at all. but behind the skull there is a scene repeating itself everytime. I remember how I get uncomfortable and feel vulnerable around a lot of men. I used to feel exposed. I don;t know how many had felt that way, but the feeling also comes with a sexual vulnerability. In relationships, it affects more than we know, subtly. Lack of intimacy - your body is the first boundary you have around your world, and what goes inside or on the body, if forced, scars us at a tender age. When you have been violated that way, you make the boundaries...

Exclusivity is one dynamics in Gay relationships that seem to have taken a step back. Mainly because it seems to be hetero normative. Even then I have a huge fascination for it. When I see a straight couple romance so openly, where the guy and girl are celebrated for the "couple" they are. Where the people around them are like "Hey, she is his girl friend", or "They are a cute couple". Recently I saw how my brother would share every video of his fiance's performance. It was a cute gesture, because I have never seen him do that before! You also see how when there is a couple in the group, you give them a private space. They can just go with each other in a group and others wouldn't bat an eye. The way they can just hold hands and walk in front of everyone. They get to sit next to each other. They walk together all the time, side by side, and no one would come between them. Even if they are not near each other, its a given that they are a couple...

There was a time when I used to think that I am Sapiosexual. I was fond of the word, may be. I used to talk with guys who can hold a conversation for hours and hours. But then I meet them, there would be something off about it. Not look wise, but may be the fact that they are too much in their head. Concepts after concepts, and wisdom quotes and lectures. Philosophy too. I would really like all of it, to be honest. I used to get high on information. But those with high IQ lack EQ! As I have been in the sapio crowd too much, I know how methodically and impersonally we can jive for hours, and yet know nothing deeply about each other, as a person. I have been friends with such intellectual beings, at the end of the day, even after years, it is so common and easy for them to disconnect from you, while you end up emotionally invested in them. I even started to get Sapio-averse, with a diarrhea of information flowing from each side, time passes, brain heats up, we feel an orgasmic high,...

A handsome knight in a shining armour, racing a magnificent beast, falls for a light eyed beauty, and they get married, only to be known as the cutest couple you have seen. Many days I have been jealous of the couple, a picture perfect one at that. Its been an year, and she now bears his baby. A wonderful fairy tale, that the friends and family celebrates. The Handsome guy's face I see in a profile, and I decide that its a fake one. Anyway out of curiosity I end up texting. The plan was to ask him to remove the pics of him, after making him confess on his theft of identity. but what happened was a different confession. When I had told him that the pictures belonged to my friend, and asked him to remove, he panicked asking for my identity. Then he came out to me, and asked for a promise to keep it a secret. I obliged. He decided to leave the land of romeo forever, and I had no say on it. I promised him that I would in no way cross paths, and he said he felt guilty. He apparentl...

The Interesting thing about being Gay/Bi, would be when you don't fit to the usual social norms of gender roles quite naturally. For when I see how straight men have to "impress" women and how they do all kinds of weird "acts" around them, and you don't understand it. The entitlement of these girls just because they have a vagina and two breasts, is something that I definitely couldn't understand. May be because I have "options" on the other side. Being Bi means that I don't have to bow down to any man to impress him, nor for a girl. and it drives them crazy. It was rather odd to see how the girls, as they grow up grow apart from you, and also not comfortable with you, because you are essentially a "man", and you know for a fact that you don't have to see them that way. How some girls "like" you, and you just feel weird because she isn't your "type", but everyone around ships you both. You have tha...

Gay men I have encountered have one thing in common. They seem to be emotionally very strong. You go to a gay pub and listen to your friend tell you stories of each guy dancing there. The one who is a "man" on weekdays, becomes a women in the pub to the guy who broke up with from a seven year relationship. to a guy who ended up being rejected by his best friend, the list goes on. Some men who came out and faced issues around, some men who are closeted and apprehensive, and many seeking love, and a few who lost love. They all dance like there is no tomorrow. All these men, I see, "talk" like they own up their emotions. They claim to be "strong" and "happy", but the pain, ache that I see in their eyes, and how they fall so easily for a man made me wonder if they are actually ever emotionally strong. Gay men, as I know this guy, who claims to be very "strong" and believes in detached attachment, I wondered if he is really emotionally ...

Its a topic of cliche, but what I would like to say is from the closeted point of view, as to how he sees his friend coming out. I had a friend  from my university, who was pretty effeminate. It was quite obvious that he could be gay. But, people around gave him the benefit of the doubt. He had come out to me before being "open" to the world, and its quite a feeling. You feel protective when someone comes out to you, as it means, they trust you so much. When he puts pictures with his friends on FB, tags, posts and comments, people took it as usual. He can hug guys, he can text them and even put a pic along with them on Whatsapp. That's how the world is. Even if someone is strikingly gay, until he comes out, there is always a window of doubt. he can be as close to a guy, except may be a kiss on the lips, every other PDA is acceptable. People would joke from time to time, but they wouldn't ponder into the possibility or even spell it out. His life changed the minute ...

A man had died. A fellow gay man, you all ,may never know him, you all may have never heard of him, and not likely to hear of him again. He killed himself, and we all may say its due to depression, may be its apathy. He was cheated! by a guy he was very much fond of. Their story starts one and a half years back, when he was happily committed to a guy, and this old pal and him were just friends. My old pal had ways to make a conversation interesting, by exchanging information among people, what he learns from one he says to another, and then there is google. He got cozy only to leave him for another man. He fell for the old pal who was "nice" to him. It made sense, "who cares about how he treats others, who cares if he showed no remorse? as long as he is nice to him". He fell, so bad. But my old pal had found others to comfort, leaving him alone and cold to fend for himself, my old pal warmed up to his new "friends". Btw, Happy Birthday! A revenge was ...

Gay men are widely categorized into two, "Open" and "Closeted". But, there is a gray area in which many including me, fall into. When we say we are closeted, it isn't entirely true. I am known to like guys by other gay men, but not to the straight world, or may be to a few close ones. In fact, I feel like a chick not "Coming out", but "Peeking out" of the egg. Testing the waters. At times, I go back in, never wanting to come out again. Peekers are typical "cat on the wall". They aren't fully out and proud to the society, nor are they hiding their feelings away from their closed ones. Would I want to be open? may be not, would I want to peek?, probably yes. Peeking is when you visit the gay bar, once in a blue moon, wishing to randomly find someone interesting, or when you join a LGBT potluck and ghost off. Where you join the apps boldly for a day, text random men and do nothing/ or may be something, and delete it "unti...

In my life, I have been a huge believer of my intuitions. The feeling "in my bones", are so strong that I get into a zone. Especially for people who are close to me, I would be able to predict in case they are in danger. The same in my case too, and it isn't a gentle whisper, but a strong bold voice inside my head (if needed, turns into insomnia). My Intuitions have helped me in my own life, when one week before Kel was to leave me for a girl, I cried to him "You don't need me anymore". far far away he was, and something told me that he had left me, may be before he had even met her, I wouldn't know. When SDev forbid me to talk to his "friend", I did exactly that, and it saved me from a sham. When my dad's friend had stepped into the house, who I "didn't feel good about", I took a stance to throw him out, otherwise, he might have been an alcoholic. When my friend wanted to date this girl and I said "Not a good idea...

When there is this guy, whom you have a feeling is gay/bi. You kinda text him every once in a while cose you find him hot, and then one of your friend has seen him on Tinder, you kinda keep your hopes when you text him, especially when he texts back so well and holds a conversation (although its mostly about fitness, and you being a foodie dread the topic). Everything seems to be going so well, and you imagine things in your head, and he drops the "Bro" bomb! I don't know why all these straight men have started "Bro"ing each other, and one of my exes used to hate it, and now I know why. Its such a turn off when the guy you like simply makes you a "Brother" cose you know, you are a man!. I am guilty of "Bro"ing a few guys if they do sniff up to me. Its like a clear yet indirect way of saying "I am not into you", in fact, even gay men use it quite often. "Dude", "Man", "Bro", as if that makes you all...

Relationships are all about giving and receiving. A strong relationship, be it a straight or Gay one, is about mutuality. Even in sex, the pleasure is both ways, by giving and receiving. Many guys I see, are somehow entitled to the "receiving" end, and may be because there are many "givers" to that one person. The entitlement is tiring at times, especially when they say stuff like "Woo me", "I deserve the best", "catch me if you can" types. Straight world is under some gender roles, which can be amended based on the individuals, but the gay world is confusing. Rainbows have shades but there is a slow gradient of each color. But, when it comes to gays, it is very hard to choose which color you are. Sometimes, there is just so much giving, which you don't feel you deserve, you give back only to get back more. And then there are many others who demand a lot more than you can give.  May be if there is more mutuality in line, an...

It is hard to live a double life especially when you have a lot of acquaintances. When you come to a different city to celebrate your birthday, and being with your fellow nerds, you don't think they would come to a "party". So you confidently decide to go to a gay party lying to your nerd friends that you are going to a party with your college mates, and invite them as a formality. But, they end up accepting your invitation to come to the party, is nothing but a shocker. You know how well the nerd friends would be bad company at a pub. The time you miss out on a gay party which seems pretty appealing, does make you feel disappointed. But, with a heavy heart you end up telling your nerd friends some half baked excuse without offending them isn't something that you want to go through (especially when they never have gone to a pub before). Then you take them to a pub the next day when they want to see people dance, but the DJ night is cancelled cose of an unexpected...

When you fall for someone, you can't help it but make him a priority. You also end up taking initiative to make you are engaged with him. But, those priorities and initiatives don't work if they are not mutual. Many of us end up making someone your priority only to see that you are not their priority at all. That you end up being the person who takes priority on them. Men especially have many other priorities. Earning for us is not an option but a duty. We need to be "someone" and prove ourselves to people around us, and that consumes most of our time. We cannot live for "someone else", and even if you do, the other person must prioritize more in other things to get your life going.  Sometimes, the fact that I am getting older makes it all the more complicated. With our own lives to live and works to do, the burden of life only increases day by day. The guys who were elder to me, have so many responsibilities, that they can look at you as an "e...

I was once asked by my friend, "Why don't you look for guys who are nice, instead of falling for assholes?", and that was a "Eureka" moment for me. Only then I realized how the "nice" guys are a prude. Be it with straight or Gay relationships. The nice guys "finish last", because they don't take an initiative, at least in the beginning. All the while, I remember in my university, how I would avoid "falling" for anyone. I was a prude of the highest order, may be still am. It takes a lot of time and charm to convince me, and when someone puts so much effort in you, you get soft. But, those who can invest so much in you, would probably get another guy so easy, honestly there is nothing special about me, and it doesn't make sense why anyone would take so much effort, my inner cynic would pass you off as "Player", or "Chaser", and in order to prove my prudence, I would avoid you at all cost, until you leave...

There was once a guy who asked "Why don't you cheat? all of them are cheaters anyway! Enjoy life, have no regrets". There are a few reasons behind it. Which I would like to open up in this anonymous forum. One, My Dad had cheated on my Mom. It is not easy for a kid to find condom packets in his dad's bag and your mom asking you not to bother about it. I know that my mom is in so much pain. I have seen her suffer. Yet, There is nothing that I could do about it. Second, I have been molested as a kid. By a married neighbor. Sometimes, you feel like the karma of your parents come to you in one way or the other, and may be I blamed my dad for what had happened to me. But, it seemed unfair. I don't have a good relationship with my dad, ever since. I don't look at his face, nor respect him. May be that is punishment he would get. A son who has mentally disowned him. I still feel numb about the whole thing, may be I have a lot of anger pent up against him. But th...

I used this as a social experiment, I gave out a profile which was elaborate and it went something like this, and this is something you can see everywhere in your sites, a good looking guy's picture, muscular, "medico", Globetrotter, likes wine and all the fancy things. An elaborate profile, and then if you are patient to read till the end, there is a line that says I am the opposite of all this. Anyone reading the profile would tick his checklist and would have "love" oozing out. Several several guys had texted me and based on the information that I shared. I have had a guy claim that he is going to get into "Harvard", and then there are many many "medicos", who can't stop saying they are one. As if its a mandate. Very few end up reading till the end, and I don';t think those who do would ever bother to text. This is not something that I realized just now. When you know that you can fairly attract crowd and you avoid it by havin...