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100th post

This is my 100th post in this blog, and this is to address about the blog itself. I started this blog for two reasons, one was essentially for myself. I was cheated by the guy, with whom I was starting to dream my life with. One day I was romancing with him in a road trip, and the next day, He was gone. The other trauma was when my best friend, with whom I was friends with for one year, whom I thought I knew so well, with whom I shared my happiness and sorrow had turned into someone I couldn't recognize. I had no one. All those whom I believed would be by my side, for whom I had left all social apps and was content with life, simply left me astray. They planned a life without me, while I didn't plan one without them.

I had other thought, I would have left the world if not for my mom. But I couldn't share about my sorrow and pain to anyone. The second reason being, there are many other guys who silently suffer. Who could not voice out, who felt helpless and alone. I wished that I could connect through my words to them. A support from an unknown friend.

I wished to keep this blog anonymous, because I wanted to protect myself, and protect those involved with me. I may not want to expose those who did wrong, but the deed. I don't know if it made me stronger, I don't know if it made me forgive, but it gave me a much needed solace, and a let out.

There are very few who encouraged me to write, and very few who know my real identity. Quite a few wanted to see me, some wanted to meet, some wanted to connect, but I refused for the sake of anonymity. Let my words speak than my identity. I could be anyone. I could be the guy you dated, or the guy you rejected, or the guy you'll never meet, but as a silent observer, I'll be around writing what I see and feel.

I know that my views and words are blatant and raw. My opinions strong. My views judgemental and skewed. All those who know me, know that I write out of good intentions. I have irked a few, made a few think, and even hurt a few with my outlook, for them I sincerely apologize. I simply put my thoughts into words with no filter.

If I had written anything offensive to anyone who had read it, again, it is just an outlook, and I would change it if I see something different. My words don't show my emotions, or the person I am, and may be if you had known, I am sure you would take it lighter or understand better.

I wrote about my exes, for there are moments that I cherished with them that I wanted to keep, and I wrote about my ex-friend so that at least one soul listens to my cry of help, I wrote about narcissism to save those who fall for them unknowingly, and then I wrote about the paradoxes of the gay world, to show how a closeted gay guy perceives it.

My words still don't show the pain, the anger, the helplessness, the agony, the sorrow or the confusion with which I write each post. The hope, the dream, the intention and the strength with which I put my thoughts out boldly. I know how much I get judged by the posts, but at least I am being real. I am being true to myself and I am always willing to learn and explore.

To those who have supported me, Thank you. To those who give me feedback, I really appreciate, to those who despise my posts, I would really like to hear your point of view, those who have mixed reactions, I am glad that I stir out some real emotions. To those who wanted to connect with me and got a cold shoulder, its not you, its me. I have reached a point where I would rather lead my life by myself until I feel am ready to trust again, until I figure out myself, so that I don't hurt or get hurt. From the naive happy go lucky guy I was, I have become paranoid, I have become cynical and over cautious. I have become numb to promises and "caring words". I don't find friendships meaningful, or people to be truthful. It would surely reflect in my writing, but I wait for justice. I wait for that day when all these makes sense. Until then, thanks for reading through my rants.


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