Being Closeted Indian Gay

Being someone who has seen narcissists, I decided to take a plunge into it just to see how I can get the right way to escape. And so I agreed to date an arch narci knowing that he is one. But this time the escape was pretty easy, as I know that if I get too close, I just have to run away. And So I did. A short lived narci affair, where I tested the waters. I did share my body or emotions to him. I maintained my distance, I annoyed the shit outta him, and to annoy him more I made a soft escape. May be, at one point I realized that I don't have to take any more time, some where I felt at peace. First and foremost, tell "No" to Narcis, unlike the genuine ones, the narcis wouldn't come behind you. Narcis like control over everything. They wouldn't want to give the control to you. But you take control and leave, they pretend to not care, but the more you are at peace with yourself, they'll be behind you to make your life miserable. Always use the "Love...

The word that we are all so familiar with. I am sure we all have gone through this stage and some till are. We live in this free world where everyone has a certain type, yet those you see are not close to finding their perfect partner. Most gay men try to improve themselves to the point where they are highly successful and attractive in their own way to be part of lusted. Then we end up with men, who are narcissistic, who would lie to us, manipulate us, and we tend to be so giving and forgiving.  On the other hand, we scare away those whom we like out of sheer desperation, and when the other person just wants to test waters, we build castles in the air. We want the other person to compromise and be okay with us, but we don't compromise for others.  Remo (name obviously changed, but identical), a guy who had his heart broken by a four year relationship, we went on a date. Our chemistry according to me was really amazing, but being older, and going through enough drama i...

The core of why gay men are promiscuous and polygamous is because the essence of romance has gone down, or was never the priority. Since the generation before hardly had any men being okay with romancing another guy, except in the name of friendship. It didn't make sense for men to "be in love" with another man, except for sex. The Taboo of romance is still high, where men would rather not kiss, hold hands and cuddle. In fact, when you do something even slightly romantic, men either run away, don't/ can't reciprocate, or get overly attached. Not that I have not done all the three. In fact, while dating Kel I felt all the three in stages. My first instinct when a guy approached me with romance was the fact that I was skeptic. Why would a handsome guy like him come behind an average Joe like me?! but when the attention continued I realized that I didn't know how to reciprocate. I was pretty much stuck. When he asks for a kiss, I would freeze. There was a feel...

Humans are not perfect. We have done our fair share of mistakes. We are free to be ourselves to the point of complete acceptance. Yet, the smear of condescending looks are unavoidable. To stay without any "Blemish" isn't really something that is humanely possible in such a free world. When I say "Blemish" I don't mean the indian stereotypes of shaming people for the sake of the society. It is more of an internal discounting, where you hurt others for your self interests, where you let down your self respect for validation, where you act based on your anger and rage. I feel that I have done things that I regret. Where I might actually not, but would rather not let people know about it. May be its not a big deal to some, not some it might be a deal. To some it might seems immature, and to some it might seem empowering. But I would like not to play the victim card, because I wouldn't want to be one. Ram, a friend of mind, Bisexual, I think, was Pseudo ...

The biggest barrier is the fact that there are so many options. our search for the perfect guy never ends. For someone who has gone through countless profiles to see if it clicks, I was disappointed. But at least I moved on. There are two types of clinging. Some cling to one person they like and crave for intimacy, and then there are those who cling to several men. May be I belong to the former and Dobby, the later. I think its better to find a middle point, that I strive to strike. Leaving the social networking sites (occasionally used to promote the blog), was the best thing I had done. I chose a very few set of people who respect me the way I like, and those who really wished to keep in contact, and I wished to keep in contact, I left the rest of the options. I could say now that, when the time is right, you'll find the people you want anyway. Now I spend my time to understanding the people around me deeply. To make conversations that give me clarity. To be mindful about the ...

Intimacy is the opposite of loneliness. The reason why gay men feel lonely with the world is a simple reason. They can't be themselves in front of others. Lonely are not the people who are with a lot of people around, but who can keep the most secrets from those around them. Our sexuality is a huge secret. The double life. The cheating, the lies. Dobby, I knew was extremely lonely, and he kept running behind men after men, hiding about each other, flirting and putting up a facade. The more men he approached, the more he felt lonely. Once I had asked him to let go of them and be by himself. Sometimes, being by yourself is the most horrible feeling. When you face the inner demons. But, once you realize who you are, and confide in one person who loves you the most (more than someone you love), you suddenly feel light, you wouldn't need a lot of men in your life. You get closure. SDev on the other hand, was enjoying the "free world" of the Gay fraternity. But, The do...

"No dates = No sex" Dating is an initial bond, an emotional foreplay. Take men on dates, They deserve it as much as any girl. In what way are men less that you would jump in bed and exploit their body. Demand a date! If you are someone who gets several dates, have a three dates rule, where you wouldn't sleep with a guy until he takes you on three dates, Your self worth will increase only when the other respects your body and gets permission by taking you out. Its your body, you have all the right to ask for attention and romance. This way sexual predators would actually have to work for getting laid and wouldn't treat other men as a piece of meat. Men will eventually be proud to take a guy on dates, and men in the future would feel that they are worth such etiquette. For me, I feel complete when I go on a date. I feel that I am seen for my personality and presence more than my looks. I wouldn't say that I enjoy when someone looks at me sexually it is anythin...

We all know about the "Golden Rule" of the gay world. No pic = no reply. there are many unspoken rules that squeeze the self esteem in us. No = No reply = Not interested. What we forget here is that we are dealing with people with their own emotions and problems and insecurities. None of us want to be rejected and we try all that we can to be not rejected, but why do we let others define our self worth. This golden rule where you see the person as a piece of meat is the main reason why Gay men are lonely and depressed. There are certain things like your body that you can work on. Ethnicity and height are something you don't have control over. More than looks we need to start looking for personality. They are two different things. The personality can hardly be understood with a person's pic. It is how they carry themselves, their behavior and attitude, and crucially their self esteem. "No Self Esteem = No Reply" If  a guy is ready to sleep with you witho...

To all the paradoxes and to the problems, the only solution when I think deeply comes from the fact that most of the Gay men have low self esteem, They are ready to sleep with men, for nothing. To put it blunt, even prostitutes get paid for sex. While men are easy to have sex with. Top or Bottom. We end up giving our body without connecting emotionally or even intellectually. After which, we don't respect our own self or the others in our community. Even by the time love finds us, we have done almost everything in bed with several men that there is nothing special to look forward with the guy you want to be with. No memories to cherish, no bond or intimacy. We become a piece of meat. We allow others to see us that way. The only way is to start having self esteem. Be it a DemiGod or a potato, I feel that a potato who would sleep with a man after only connecting emotionally have more self esteem than a DemiGod who readily fucks. Your self esteem comes up not when a hundered guys...

From being a Ugly potato, puberty must be have done something right,as it was a surprise when every guy in Tinder becomes a match, when you go to the gay hub of India. Every other guy had the personality and an impressive profile. Coming from a small town where I can hardly hold a conversation with anyone, it was overwhelming. "That's because you are new to town", a guy I went out with told me. But what I realized is that, for someone who is usually comfortable texting one person at a time, and seeing one person at a time, it was hard for me to keep so many men in track. I didn't connect with even one guy properly. It was superficial. I wished that I met someone in person and it bloomed into something rather than choosing someone random online. But what are the chances eh?! Sometimes I wish that I leave the country and meet someone abroad and settle down. It is not the easiest thing. May be I am fooling myself. Life is not that predictable. But, Miracles have happe...

I am closeted. Mainly because I see that those who have come out don't lead a life that is the best. I see them single, and hoping as much as the closeted. The ones who have come out have also been subjected to a lot of criticisms that I wouldn't want to face. At least alone. More than anything, to be part of a community, that is superficially welcoming, independently nice, yet collectively discouraging. The nice ones wants to sleep with you, those who sleep with you and like it want to marry you, those who don't will push you away( due to numerous rejections) and those who don't like you don't bother you. I might be in the same way, dealing with people. When you are nice for the sake of it, they take you as a romantic interest. and when you don't reciprocate, the curse and leave. The paradoxes don't end. The straight life, although, you feel alienated at times isn't as bad as the crass and lonely life of an open gay man. The monogamous relationships ...

Narcissism is caused by the difference between the real self (Who you really are) and the ideal self (what others want you to be), when you cannot be yourself (most gay men cant in the society), we put up an image saying this is who I am, and that low self esteem, and self hatred, the need for approval makes a gay man narcissistic. To come out of this is to first accept one self, or to genuinely figure out why we cant accept that part of us, self love, such that you don't need others to look at you, worship you, follow you etc, instead you would rather be happy about yourself. Where you don't support a cause if you don't want to, you raise your voice to what affects you alone. You be with a few people who respect you and whom you respect. One thing I realized is that the passion, compatibilty and acceptance with someone else that I crave, may lacking in myself. How much passion do I have towards myself, who compatible is my vision and reality, and how much of the reali...

Once you are hooked and you start giving them love, and they'll want you to concentrate only on them. Your friends, your job, your own self is secondary. They tell you about the guys who hit on them, they tell about the their past and how they are damaged. They;ll make it look like you are the only person who can save them. But, when you fall for them, they'll get bored. They'll bring in new people and say that they are interested in the other person. They will make you fight for them, and enjoy the whole ride. when you think you have had enough, you'll try to move away, and they'll come behind you and do everything they can to win you back. You think they have changed, they'll promise that they'll change. but it doesn't happen. you see that even when they kiss, there is no passion. They just do everything to give pleasure to themselves. The easiest way to find out is to look at their eyes. Look deeply in their eyes and see if they really look at yo...

It took me a while to realize that I was always going to narcissists for romance and even friendship. There is a big difference between self confidence and narcissism. The main issue is the lack of intimacy. The guy you like would do everything for you, make you feel "Special", more than making you feel special, they make others feel like "shit", to make you feel better. When it is just the two of you, he'll make you feel high, and then he'll insult you and make him feel great. Narcissists have a huge following. They'll text a hundred guys to feel good about themselves. They can't take it when someone is ignoring them, and they usually target people who are happy by themselves. Narcissists are people who are not just happy with themselves, they want the world to celebrate them, everyone!. The hook - if you are a normal guy who is happy with yourself and content with your life and someone who is a DemiGod comes to you and showers you with love an...

Being a naive sweet potato, I felt that I can be intimate with a guy one day. I believed that I can be romatic involved with a guy more than with a girl. My love for the men in my life has been completely to one person, while I date. But I realized that I end up being with narcissist. Not all DemiGods are narcissistic but all narcissists are DemiGods. There are two type sof Narcissists, somatic and cerebral. Somatic narcissists show off their body to get attention and Cerebral narcissists show off their brains ( I feel I am one ). I wouldn't mind admitting that I show narcissistic traits at time. Where I don't feel that intimacy, but I am working on myself for the same. The funny part is that its not their fault. Being Gay comes from a lot of self hatred and shame. You live a life beating yourself up inside, and fearing that no one will accept you. But the truth is, when you are accepted (even treated with love and affection) by the gay world, you suddenly start liking yours...

Monogamy is a taboo in the gay world. Why?! Unlike our usual social structure there is nothing stopping us from having multiple partners. If we can live with the guilt of liking a guy, I think we can live with the guilt of having multiple partners. Its not wrong in any way. It is a free society, if every other party is okay with it, I don't think there is nothing that should stop us from it. The problem is that the Romance is lost in this. To court a man seems like an unwanted thing. With free bodies ready for you to sleep with, what is the fun?!, I am sure we all wish to be with someone who is not easily available for all. We all want that exclusivity, Tell me, wouldn't it be the best thing?! the guy you love is all yours, he doesn't have the need to be with anyone else. He would take care of himself and look forward just for you. Sexual urges do come, but the difference between sex and love making is something that is completely different. Even in Straight relationship...

He had enough drama in his life.. enough issues. I wouldn't want to share about it. But I only wished to make him feel light. I would be carefree (mostly), and just wanted to make him happy. I was happy just being with him, it wasn't hard task. The night of his birthday, He slept on my lap for a while. We never "did it", but there was more romance to it than "Doing it". We had the time, the space, we wanted it to be special. The day after his birthday, I had left back to town. We had a fight. Silly one. After getting back I could randomly liked a post from this guy from his timeline. Simply because the wording was good. The guy liked back a post from my timeline. New friend!, a friend of my guy. The one who got him what he wanted. Seemed caring enough, By now I knew his friends circle. One of the guy abroad I missed out. A friend request. A "Hi" back. I was content, until S Dev called me fuming, asking me not to talk to him. As silly as I can ...

"Beinnale", an art exhibition that happens once in two years. I told my parents that I am leaving to see the exhibition and left to see him. "Many of my friends have asked to come for my birthday. I told them not to. You'll be coming rite?", he asked me so innocently. I couldn't resist. and best of all, his best friend wouldn't be there. There was this unknown hatred, jealousy. I wish that I was him. They had traveled around India together, they had plans to eve fly abroad. DemiGods have disciples. quite more than you think. To get undivided attention wasn't easy. I was immature. childish. Stupid. He made me. Not before had I felt that way. It was all new for me. While my mind was reeling about S Dev and his best friend, His Birthday was same as the new year. Booze and party. His friend had sent him an expensive jacket. It was a jacket that he wanted but couldn't afford. The friend had asked him to send a pic with a jacket, which he playfully ...

To be okay with the fact there was something unusual about the two was hard to ignore. His best friend as visibly gay to me, and highly possessive of S dev. I could see that their chemistry was a lot more than I expected and I told about my insecurities to him. He asked me not to worry. I trusted him. Enter Dobby, on the New years eve. He was getting drunk, when I had invited S Dev and his friends for lunch. Dobby was drowning himself in booze. The new year's eve was bitter sweet. I was with my "guy", all those prayers had been answered. I finally had the guy whom I loved, a DemiGod. There were issues running around, Dobby was extremely drunk and sobbed away his misery. I kept check on him the whole time. S Dev's best friend did not let us dance together. He would dance with me to make him avoid dancing with S Dev. Drama at its best. 12 o clock, it was my dream to kiss my guy, but that was not gonna happen, We were at a straight club. and according to him, he had n...

I remember the way he looked at me. It felt unreal. The DemiGod that I simply see and sigh in thier fancy instagram profile. The kinda guy who would be with the "Cool" crowd in a bar, while I would be with my fellow "Nerds" in a coffee shop. The guy whom I would dare not talk more than a few minutes, cose my parents would say as "Bad influence". May be that is what attracted each other more. The feeling, we thought as "Love", we couldn't stop telling each other. As days went by, the feeling was settled down. The honeymoon phase was over, But I thought we can revive it when we meet. The plan kept postponing thanks to Demonetization. He was busy with his business. The US born mallu, wanted to be chef (He cooks well, which I wouldn't admit). Rugged looking soft spoken. The way he cares for people is almost surreal. I met him at an unusual place. In front of a hospital, after I had gone to meet my friend there. He made his friend play gu...