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Confessions - 1

Humans are not perfect. We have done our fair share of mistakes. We are free to be ourselves to the point of complete acceptance. Yet, the smear of condescending looks are unavoidable. To stay without any "Blemish" isn't really something that is humanely possible in such a free world. When I say "Blemish" I don't mean the indian stereotypes of shaming people for the sake of the society. It is more of an internal discounting, where you hurt others for your self interests, where you let down your self respect for validation, where you act based on your anger and rage.

I feel that I have done things that I regret. Where I might actually not, but would rather not let people know about it. May be its not a big deal to some, not some it might be a deal. To some it might seems immature, and to some it might seem empowering. But I would like not to play the victim card, because I wouldn't want to be one.

Ram, a friend of mind, Bisexual, I think, was Pseudo Macho. Someone who would try keep his voice base and talk about all the "manly" things. Wrestling, martial arts and body fitness were his fronte. "Good boy", of all sorts, someone who is extremely nice to people. I cant say that I didn't like him back then. I looked upto him more than anything.

This was the time I was seeing this girl. A girl whom I genuinely thought is someone with whom I can settle down with some day. It took me one year to make a move, as nerdy I used to be, I couldn't be direct with my feelings. she knew I was interested in her and we had gone for dates. She was lonely and I had exams. I trusted Ram and let them be together, thinking they will be good company. But the trust broke,when I learnt that they got together and that Ram initiated it.

For someone who was so nice to me, It was such a surprise to know that he was nice to everyone, even a dog. I was heartbroken. It got ugly when I cursed the girl and stopped talking to the guy. It made me extremely furious. I knew that the relationship was sham. I gave it three months, and three months is all it took for a ugly break up.

I confess that I had feelings for Ram, more than the girl. I wished he gave me special attention openly like he had given her. I remember the way he used to look at me with so much love, and yet when I saw he saw her the same way., and yet he was able to proudly do things for her which he would never do for me. It hurt me more than anything.

He gave her an umbrella when it rained, he got her a key chain, he used to get her food and talk about "booze" just for her. I didn't like it one bit. I felt like an outcast. May be those are the things that would never happen to my I thought back then. I was wrong. Now I can see that there are men who are capable of treating me much better than him. Some who would be happy to walk hand in hand with me. Have driven me around and gotten me things, and I have done the same to others. 

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