Desperation

The word that we are all so familiar with. I am sure we all have gone through this stage and some till are. We live in this free world where everyone has a certain type, yet those you see are not close to finding their perfect partner. Most gay men try to improve themselves to the point where they are highly successful and attractive in their own way to be part of lusted. Then we end up with men, who are narcissistic, who would lie to us, manipulate us, and we tend to be so giving and forgiving. 

On the other hand, we scare away those whom we like out of sheer desperation, and when the other person just wants to test waters, we build castles in the air. We want the other person to compromise and be okay with us, but we don't compromise for others. 

Remo (name obviously changed, but identical), a guy who had his heart broken by a four year relationship, we went on a date. Our chemistry according to me was really amazing, but being older, and going through enough drama in his life, to handle a young hear was not his forte. Weighed down by the family commitments like any other early thirties guy, and numb over his break up with his love, he shared his sorrow to me. I fell for him instantly. After that, we spoke to each other over phone and occasional texting, I was planning to visit him for weekend etc. Timing being a bitch, he got extremely busy. Being closeted himself, and having been heart broken by the fact that his "Best friend"( thats who the world knows) had left the city, he was pretty clear of keeping a distance. But finding someone who made you feel alive, or finally having someone who is everything you wanted, you feel deeply hurt when there is no response or sometimes downright getting ignored was too much to handle. 

All of my dreams got shattered when he met with an accident and I was not allowed to meet him at the hospital, or calls where ignored for his mom was around, I felt it was better to take the high road and move on. The decision was regretted later, and he completely pushed me away. The desperation later on made me alienate myself from him, and the damage was done.

The same happened with another Midhas, who touched me with his charm, but couldn't reciprocate my feelings. My desperation made me push him away too, and the fact that he didn't care about it wounded me deeply. Made me feel unwanted, unattractive. Things changed, I worked on myself, and then I saw the other side of the coin. Swadesh, whom I met only once and had made out opened his heart for me, and I could not reciprocate, may be time is all that would have been needed for me to feel the same, but he made me claustrophobic. He wanted to go the whole nine yards, while I stumble in my own shoes. I then felt the same way that they would have felt, claustrophobic and clueless. After a point, I had to alienate him slowly as I could see the desperation which didn't let me breathe. 

For being a kind person, I didn't want to alienate but work did it for me. 

Even now the desperation creeps up when the guy you really seem to like is always busy. you wonder who many guys would be texting him, you wonder whom is he texting online, and when he avoids your texts after reading, it makes it clear that you are not so important as he is to you. you sulk when other men text you as for you crave for the guy you like to give you attention. Lucky are those who have a companion who feels the same way as you feel about them, then desperation changes to romance, a breath taking romance of passion, intimacy and acceptance.