Being Closeted Indian Gay

When you really connect with someone who is going to get married and has a fiance, and he says "if only had we met before", isn't something you just take. I was adviced by more than couple of gay friends and Bi friends who said that Gay relationships are not trust worthy, that you should get married and settled down with a girl. At this juncture in life, marriage is a long way to go, yet, those of you who like you, love you and care for you being married or engaged doesn't give a great feeling about it. Things that I feel when a gay guy gets married. Its a Sham - A couple of guys have approached me that I be their "partner", while they are married. I honestly felt bad for the girl. While she exclusively loves him and waits for him to give her attention, he goes around with guys or a guy, to quench his thirst, sexually or otherwise. Being taken for granted - It feels like that one guy is taking the girl for granted, that she deserves only this and no...

There are certain things which you think you would never do in your lifetime, but then the circumstances push us to it. Something like that happened in the past week. I ended up meeting a guy, very sweet guy who loved me to the core, he had honey for words and passion in his eyes. We had a great time, we spoke for a hours as if its just ten mins. We both felt it, that we liked each other, and he proposed. I rejected, or pretended to. Because I loved him, but it wouldn't work out. This guy came to me, while planning a date with his fiance. Yes, he was about to get engaged. He apparently just decided to date me for a hookup, but things turned serious as he said that he was falling for me. If only. if only he had not said all that. It was painful, but then I hid it, I was trying to be understanding, because, I loved him. We both shared about each other a lot, and then he only asked me to stay with him and be his lifelong "friend", while he gets married. Not the first ti...

In the past few years, knowningly or otherwie, whoever choosy I had been, I realised that I had dated a couple of guys now and then. These guys are the kind whom we have all dated at times. Now I don't know what I fall into though. May be I fall into all of this together.  The DemiGod -  I have explained about DemiGod long before when I had ended it with one. DemiGods are, for some reason the type that I feel are approachable. Yet, they don't let you in beyond a point. DemiGods are those social media butterflies, who post fancy pictures of the places they have traveled and the kind of food they have, and the kind of people they hang out with. They would hardly talk to you, if they do, you are under them. They have no feelings for your existence. They might be behind you, but for some reason, and to them they have enough fan following that you are easily replaceable  The Mama's Boy -  The Mama's boy is the sweetest guy you would ever date, he is caring...

Having seen the Logic of Top, Bottom and Vers. Bisexuals are by far the most illogical souls in the world. They have someone made their logic based on the cat on the wall situation that they are in. These Bizarre logic makes it hard for any guy to date them. Its not cheating, when its with Guys-  These married/divorced/ committed Bisexuals sleep around with men as much as they like and they are still "committed" to the wife because they haven't slept with a girl. But then this is a logic that I don't understand. Now, these men don't have to be committed to the men they sleep with, because men are not commitment material. They can sleep with anyone they want. and if you are someone who would like to be committed to one person, well, you are just asking for too much. Women have self respect - Men shouldn't  A Women has all the rights to question a guy if he cheats on her. Now then he is guilty and would have some remorse. He would win her back by apolog...

However be the love that you have for the guy you are dating, and how much ever he claims to like you, all that you feel in the end of the day is like a dirty secret. Now I would be a hypocrite if I say I don't make the other person feel the same way. My boundaries have been very clear with the guys I have dated too, but then I wouldn't take advantage of their love and let them remain a dirty secret. When I like a guy, I would make sure he gets to be around. May be as a friend, or may be more. I wouldn't mind. But then I sometimes loose interest or hope in being with men who treat me like a dirty secret. I would in no way force a guy to make us "official" to everyone. I don't know if I am that comfortable with anyone for that matter, but when you are prohibited in any way to show your love is kind of embarrassing and awkward. One guy I dated with be highly affectionate when he is with me, but then I am not supposed to send kissing smileys and say I love y...

Sometimes when you talk with well-read and well - travelled guys, you realize that they have read a lot of western philosophies and traveled to western countries. For some reason, As someone who has been well-read in eastern ideologies as well, and have well-travelled across India, and to have been from an culturally poise environment, I simply am not able to change my stance. The "adarsh" desi that I am at heart is very much strong. My value systems, that I hold dear to. Casual Sex - The desi that I am casual sex is kinda still "dirty" for me. I have had encounters as such, but deep down, I must admit, I don't feel satisfied. Its a momentary thing, There is an urge and I get going with any guy I am attracted to, but what next?, I just had an intimate moment with a stranger and that warmth, intimacy and pleasure, all gone with the end. I would rather have a bond with a stranger over coffee and talk about everything under the sun than to be in bed with him a...

Previously I had written about not fitting in the gay world, As a Bisexual, I don't exactly fit in the Straight world as well. I seem to be a cat on the wall where I can don't just fit in. After some bitter experiences in the Gay world, I had decided to go with the Straight world, to gel in. But as it turns out, I don't feel like myself over there. These are the few reasons for this, I feel Sports - I have zero interest in sports. Although I go to the gym and used to play basketball at school, I never understood sports, and was great at any. When you are wit straight guys, you need to know a bit about wrestling, a bit about cricket or football. I didn't know it was essential to be good friends with straight people. As much as I don't watch "Sex and the City" or any such shows, I am not particularly able to make a conversation about "today's match", I feel left out. Drunk talk/ dance - Men are really stupid when they  are drunk. They ...

For many years, I feel that  we have been confused with the term "homophobia", because I realised that people aren't per se, "Homophobic". Femphobia is an issue that is around in the gay community itself. "I freeze when I see an effeminate guy", he said, while his male lover rests on his chest huddling after a session of coitus. This is essentially the difference between Homophobia and Femphobia. I have a friend to whom I said that I have made out with men, and she was pretty chilled about it. Later out of curiosity she asks me for his pic. I show it to her and she goes "Eww, seriously? He looks like a girl, take it away from me". This is the difference between Homophobia and Femphobia, when it comes to the straight world. While Homophobia is a fear of the sexual preference of the person, Femphobia is about the fear based on a person's appearance or behavior. They are totally fine whom you sleep with, as long as they don't want t...

The Bromance has been dull as F. The timing has been off with us, I get trained by his trainer and I get home panting everyday, for the reasons I don;t want to. Now this muscle boy doesn't care a shit about me except for a surprised "hey" every time he sees, I try to keep the cool, i have enough eye candy in the gym to give me company. all the college brats with their huge arms and broad shoulders. Not to forget the cute twinks trying lift weights. After two days of mutual exchange of pleasantries, I finally decided to text him why he hasnt' come to train me. I made it sound casual and he goes "come early, bro". And then I go late as usual, but I see him working out. I don't know why but I get so shy and introverted around him. But then he comes to me and makes corrections. Well, he aint the trainer there, but he does train a few guys there apparently, I would prefer his trainer to train me as that guy is actually very good, but then I wanted the mu...

sometimes you loose hope in humanity. How some  people can do whatever they want and can get away with it. They simply live their life, hurting others, and are the ones who go unscathed. those are the times you wonder if you have to have so many value systems. The guy who cheated on someone who loved him truly, now goes sleeping around blaming the other, the tainted moves on so effortlessly, the one who loved the other truly heals, by himself, at least I can be with them to heal them. On the hand, the one who supported the wrong doers, out of empathy, gets hurt. I don't know why but I felt helpless, powerless, tired and even vengeful. But the words of those who hurt was soothing enough to let it go. Breaking bad seems so easy yet so difficult. I don't know if its worth anything, but to think of such things seems impossible. How do some people have the courage to handle all their misdeeds, while those who do no wrong end up suffering. Is it a choice that we take to suffer, ...

Having seen those gay men who are old, I could only think of two possible options for them. The Masc and the Fem. Going through the Instagram and Facebook I have seen one thing. The Masc guys have higher demand as they age, to a point. While Fem have been subject to a lot of disadvantages through out their lives, it doesn't get any better as they age. from 20 to 30 is the best time they would have. The ones that I know end up being more and more lonely, with friends that they have, they don't really get a companion that they spend time with. Their desirability goes down. Its painful to see them this way. However the masculine counterparts get to enjoy life till their 40s. I met two guys in their early 40s who get hit on my younger guys even today. Infact, until they mentioned their age, it was hard to know that they are so old!. The Mascs who have a rocking body and those who simply are Masc with their rugged looks attract so much attention, to their Queer counterpart.  ...

This is pretty much a running commentary of my life right now. Having realized that I would be in India for a short time now, I had to pretty much keep my ideas for something "long term" at bay, at least for here. But then flirting with Bi men and Straight is something that saves me from the entanglement that I want to avoid. So, when I see my college junior turn all hunky, and when my friend tells me he was found on Tinder looking for guys, you kinda have some hopes. If you have read about "being called bro", its for the agony of this meaty muscle man "bro-zoning" me. what more? This asshole has a girl friend!. Keeping myself away from him for all the right reasons, I end up joining his gym for all the wrong reasons. Now, this was after him pretty much convincing me to join it, for he will "train" me. I am not expecting much, nor am I missing anything major in my previous gym (where I get pretty much 0 attention with everyone busy looking at ...

Bottoms have their own skewed logic that makes Top go berserk. Though I don;t have many friends per se, who are bottom, This is something I picked from the Top friends I have. Girls are bitches - Most gay bottoms have secret rivalry towards girls. Obviously the kind of attention that girls get is something every gay bottom wants from a guy, but which they don't get. When he has an emotional meltdown, it is supposed to be "Men have feelings too", and when a girl gets emotional "These bitches and their drama"!. They have girls as best friends, in fact, the cute ones. But someone times its hard to be all that "friendly" when his bestie gets a hunk he has been eyeing on secretly for ages. Fellow Bottoms are Sisters - Enemy's enemy being thick friends, two gay bottoms can bitch about a girl they dislike. I noticed this with a guy I met, him and his friend discussed about guys and ship each other with the guys in the crowd, they would call each ...

When I started this blog, I had hardly any readers. I didn;t mind. I didn't write it for recognition. Seeing, my blog, a dear friend of mine said that I should show it to some Gay magazines. And so I did, just a try. Fortunately, the editor accepted that my posts as the "Caped Crusader" be published. I worried at times, that my posts hardly got any response. Not much comments, not much mails. Now, it was my mistake to compare the response I received, as a former "Gay Erotica" writer. I used to open my mail to see at least five mails (sometimes I get even today). Am I proud of it? Well, I feel like the Gay version of Sunny Leone, I am not particularly ashamed of it, nor am I gonna flaunt it out. But the real recognition that I got was in the land of Qupids. As I went through my timeline, I saw a post from Gaylaxy, that was shared, the topic was familiar, and then I realized that it was my article!. It was a bitter sweet moment for me. The fact that my article ...

This could be the most peculiar type of relationship you have seen yet. Out of all the polyamory, polygamy, Bigamy and what not, This relationship with a guy I met on Insta seems to be simply for Romance. I realized that my craving was for romance, more than sex. He is someone whom I see no future with. Long Distant thing. I am sure he would be sleeping around. But to flirt with each other and send pics of what you are up to, talking about what we would "do" when we meet (when we very well know that's not happening) is pretty funny an affair. I don't know how it started, with my awkwardness in flirting, it turns out when the relationship is NSA, I get damn excited. There was no need for a commitment (although I can;t concentrate on too many guys at a time), There was no tension about the "future". We don't know if it'll even last. But we simply play like kids, saying things to each other, romantically. May be that is what I missed the most in an...

Tops are really funny. Their logic in a Gay world seems atypical to that of a straight guy. At the end of the day, I think people are fluid, and some just stick to being a top, until someone is worthy enough to pop his candy. I have spoken to a few Tops (and personal experience) and their open talk gave me a smirk. Lets see how they behave and if it has any logic whatsoever. Twinks for Sex - I agree that twinks are the best when it comes to fucking. They are small, easy to carry, and take it well. They like to be manhandled a bit. If you are into that type, you might want to try them out. But, lets face it, they would not want to date a twink. The Tops atleast in south are very open when it comes to avoiding anything "out of bed" with a twink. Effeminate for Sex - I know a few tops who don't like to fuck effeminate guys, and look for Mascs only. But then there are those who are okay to get their dicks up any ass that;s available. But again, they are used like a p...

Closeted men face issues silently that Open gay men may or may not understand. We hold a secret, that we cannot let out or keep inside. The pressure is real. Although Closeted men are comparatively comfortable being in the closet. Relationship with a Closeted guy isn't easy. Hence, most of them end up staying single, or with "Friends" whom they meet occasionally for sex. Then there are those who are only into hook -ups. A few things that all closeted gays go through, that they stay single -  Being Discreet -  Discreet Closeted guys are always under the issue of being "out-ed". More so because the gay world is a small group. The guys you date would have friends of friends of friends who could be open and know someone from your office or family. They wouldn't be comfortable taking pictures with the open ones, or getting around with their friends. With the open crowd trying to own up to their sexuality, the discreet cannot risk being tagged. They are al...

To a wide eyed newbie potato that I was, I have come a long way. May be i didn't realize it, or may be I experience and dig deep to whatever I like. There are a  few things that I wish to say. All men are not bad - Initially I used to think that all men are bad. That they are looking only for sex. That they are animals who rape or abduct you, who would even kill or use you. Worst of all expose your secret to the world. I found it to be pretty stupid when I realized that most of the men were friendly, vulnerable and even scared than you are. I have seen the best of men in the gay world. They have taken good care of me, they have guided me, they have given me strength and made me feel comfortable in my skin. In fact, I saw that we all deal with the same emotions of shame, guilt and frustration. We all have fear. We all have strength, love and wisdom. Still. Be prude - Having said that, I feel that we have to be careful nonetheless. May be I found the gems (and a few rocks) b...

Most of us have grown up in a very "straight environment". Almost everywhere, everyone around you are talking about the love or any kind of relationship between a man and a woman. I don't remember at my early age, anyone ever talking about "being gay". It was even considered a taboo. Abnormal. At this juncture, when you fall for a guy, then you are supposedly the girl. But that was not the truth. Every song, every movie, every series, novels and what not is about a guy and a girl. Even with so many "Dos and Don'ts" and "manuals" for dating for the straight couples you see that they some how accept each other for all the flaws and strengths they have. But, what do Gay men have as a means for it? We all find these tabloids and may be one or two comic gay characters in mainstream media, and most of them are either too dark and pathos or too comic and idealistic. Since we haven't seen a real life gay couple from our childhood, it is ...

There are certain things that I had to change over time. But somethings don't change. Looks are the easiest thing to change, personality takes time, but preferences, attitude and more than anything, moral values may never change. May be because deeper down, I am traditional and old school. My ex Kel, wanted to make me his, I had accepted him for all his flaws, may be because I loved him. When you love someone, their flaws seem small, but there came a time when he wanted me to be with him while he wanted to get married. Some part of me felt that it was cheating. He might have been married already, for all I know. Although I could have changed anything about for him, to change my moral values for him, didn't happen. That caused a rift in our relationship that never mended. Be it with SDev, I was a teetotaler, but I used to drink with him, I couldn't differentiate Beyonce and Rihanna, but for him I used to listen to English music. Kel used to like old classical songs, I s...

We all know that puberty is a changeover that we all go through. But changes sometimes for us are mandatory to find someone we love, and feel worthy of their love. I remember how I dreaded the way I looked. I was fat, as a high school student, A nerd. Specs, books and plain shirts. All I could think was some magical transformation or people who took me for who I am. But the truth was far from that. I was rejected, ignored and even forgotten. The personality that I had built inside my head gave good company only to me. All those who claim to be Sapiosexual or anyone else they claim to be, at the end of the day fall for your "personality". Personality that they lack or they have in ample. I don't remember the last time anyone took someone who doesn't have a personality, seriously. Then I realized that I had to work on myself in every way if I wanted someone to respect me and take me seriously. At least in the gay world.  As days went by I worked on myself. May ...

Of all the time, this is the best time to that gay men are exposed to each other with enough privacy in the social media. From the time where there were smaller online forums to meet gay men, now we have apps and wide range of people. But Millennials face other problems that comes against their gay romance, which is as real as it gets Time - Millennials have very less time (at least the successful ones), and they can spend very less time for going out or getting to know a person. They would rather have sex and get done with their urges, and get on with their work than to take their time to hang out with one person, or keep an engaging conversation with someone you are interested with. The Shift systems in the corporate world and time-line difference in long distant relationships. Lets not forget how tired we get after a full day's work.The connection is there, but the timing is off. Place -  Millennials unlike our generations before are forced to live with parents until th...

Reaching a new city, for a short trip, I was exhausted by the almost cold response I was recieving from the men of this metro. I almost ended up giving up my pursuit to meet someone. All those men who look so decent, simply didn't heed to any kind of requests to meet. It was pretty much weekend, and I was bored to the core, and a message popped up for a casual meet. This person seemed not to be having the struggles of the millennials. He had the time, a bike (trust me, not many own one these days, at least at this place), and he was willing to meet in a moments notice. We spoke, only to realize that he didn't know English!. Although he didn't know english, he was well versed in Kannada, Telugu, Hindi and Marathi. While I didn't know any of those languages. I spoke to him in my broken hindi, and he spoke in his broken English. He was not educated much, but makes a good living out of agriculture and gold designing. Even though we struggled to communicate. I found it ...

The best part of being in a relationship is not putting yourself out there. Unlike the straight world, where there is no such thing as putting yourself out, unless, may be when you use tinder to hook-up, you are very much out there, and yet, you are not. The way that you put yourself out, in the straight world is pretty clean. I don't remember putting myself out there, even in the straight world. very much to myself, I would simply respond to what comes my way. Sometimes, I prank around, I show off as some eccentric lover boy, but that I do making it clear that its just me unwinding, there won't be any follow up later on. I don't think I have ever had the urge to do so, the "follow ups". Very rarely, may be. It so happens, I haven't met anyone to be permanently friends with in the city, with whom I am comfortable enough to be with. And for the need for some gay friends with whom I could connect, I put myself out there. But, its not something I am comforta...

In the straight world, the attention that an average guy receives is less than average, compared to a girl (however she might look). For it is a given that guys go behind girls and have become a social norm of sorts. Girls do come up to you, say, you are loaded, muscular or has the game. Shadowed by the lack of any kind of attention, some closeted men like me get overwhelmed when you get the "stares" (not because of my looks for sure, lol) at the club. It is not a very common scenario for you to be advanced by men. suddenly, you feel "desirable". This is the case with all those men who have "peeked" to see the response you get from the crowd. But, the underlying tag that I didn't know that was dangling around my neck was "Fresh meat". To all those teen agers I saw dancing with those random men, I know you all must be feeling so "desirable" as well. The Tinder incident of entering a metro, where every guy has slept with every othe...

The art of dating is beautiful when you take it slow. That's when you see beyond the "hormones", the "loneliness" and the "insecurities". Today, we live in an express age, where as Kel used to say "love in a day, leave the next. express hookup, express break up". The beauty of any relationship is not in getting committed as quickly as possible, but taking it slow, and letting it happen. Don't take me wrong, but it doesn't mean you don't put a tag on what is going on, but putting a tag, but taking it slow. why? because without a proper label, one of them might get hurt. The best part for me when the couples talk is the part of "falling" in love. slow and steady, and when it is slow and steady, it lasts long. You don't rush into anything, you just keep getting comfortable in each other's presence and at one point, you feel that you cannot be without that person, who the fact that the guy is in your mind all the ...

The thing about indian gay men is that we lack etiquette of how to talk to each other. May be I am stating the obvious here. We are blunt and crass. Even the well-read. The well-read quality men can choke you with their love or cut you down instantly. Having said that, being "nice" has become a huge liability. I have the habit of being "nice" to those who compliment my blog, which follows by "I like you" from their end, when they clearly like my words, they hardly know who I am! You talk to someone who is well-read, they take it in their mind that I would have to "take it forward" with them quickly, and don't understand that I would like to keep my anonymity intact. I would love to talk to you, I would love to discuss, but if you want to "take it forward", I would have to run away. It is hard to explain them. Then there had been that one "well-read" guy whom I was interested in, but he simply stopped texting because I...

If your intention is to just sleep with me, I would pick it up pretty fast. If your intention is to cheat, probably that too. If your intention is genuine enough to date and look forward to something meaningful, I would check if I feel the same way with you, and if it matches, we are good to go. There were many times in the past when I had shut my intuition down and had paid the price for it. Having said about their intuitions, I pay attention to mine all the time. Am I just being with them cose I am horny, Am I with then cose I am lonely? am I being with them so that I can use them and leave them later? Am I with them because I feel sorry for them or because I need something from them? Will there be mutuality in the relationship? May be I look into all this because, I am sure someone whom I would connect with can feel the "vibe" of mine.  Sometimes when hormones take over, your vibes don't work. you simply "fall" for someone, and may be that's why ...

Also many think that Demisexuality is when you don't care how you look or how smart you are. No, that does not mean I don't look at everything else. But I might not be attracted or be able to connect unless there is an emotional warmth that I feel. There are several good looking, smart men, but how many of them make you "feel" comfortable?. I might have a type I am physically attracted to. But if there is no emotional bond, or when the talks are just empty hollows, it wouldn't matter if you are the most handsome man on earth. You might be a multi millionaire, but if you can't be humble and warm, or someone who simply looks for trophies to fuck, then it would burn me to be physically intimate with you. You might be the next Einstein, who crack the codes of the universe. I would appreciate your knowledge, don't get me wrong, but if you were aloof and outwordly, It would still make me feel disconnected. At the end, it all comes to the "vibe" of y...

Demisexuality is a term that seems to be misunderstood, or may be its just a term that I ended up using to fit my preferences. Sapiosexuality has even become quite prevalent, but Demisexuality is still a vague term. Honestly, to me, at least, its getting turned on by someone who is emotionally connected to me. And no, it doesn't mean you have to be just "nice" to me, and I'll get turned on, but its getting attracted to the emotional "vibe" of the person. To me hookups have been a nightmare. I have "made out" with guys whom I have been physically attracted to, I have made out with someone who was intellectually engaging. All this, as an experiment. But I don't feel the satisfaction nor would I be without "inhibition". No, its not because I am Asexual. But, may be I am looking for something "more" than just a someone who knows facts, or who is strong. Honestly, Strong men and intelligent men lack something beyond all that...

My ex had a friend, who used to hang out with him when he found it hard to fit in. He was with him for a while, until my ex found better friends and left him astray. He felt really bad and had told this girl, who confronted him on it. I was there watching all this in a corner, before I came to know that y ex was a cheater all along. After the whole episode where he got exposed, I had called him later and asked him if he knew about it. Apparently not. But then I asked him, why he didn't react throughout when he was ignored and humiliated by my ex. Why would he let him get away with it. This guy simply said "In time he'll realize", (as if THAT happened). But he could have done something, so that Sdev wouldn't have taken more people for granted. May be that could given a speed breaker to his vises.  But, if a girl was in his place, Sdev would have have gone through hell. Of course, it changes from person to person, I had given Sdev what is due, and he'll...

There came a random post by my openly gay friend, who had claimed that those who go for "Masc for Masc", is something offensive to gay community, and that it just follows the patriarchal culture, that doesn't let a Masc accept a Fem. To stand up for Fem gay men is pretty good, but to judge the Masc for his preference is what made me feel uncomfortable. This friend of mine, who is proudly fem, has not dated any Fellow Fem guys!. In this, I see a paradox. I have hardly seen any fem guy "date" another fem guy or prefer one. If given a choice of a Masc or a Fem who is interested in a Fem guy, the choice could very well be a Masc, at least my friend here, would drool over the manliest guys on insta or Facebook. He has all the choice to choose how he wants to be. Flamboyant, loud, feminine, and he even could be a Diva, but for some entitlement of sort, he wants the Mascs to adore him, sexually. While he would be "inspired" by the fem guys and the drag q...

One act of kindness is all we need. One person standing up for the affected. May be that's what I needed all along. Someone to stand up for me. My anger towards my ex friend kept growing day by day, I didn't know what was the reason, as I am someone who used to be tolerant. It was tiring to carry all that wrath, and I write about it when it gets too much to handle. I wrote, everyday, wanting someone to understand. Someone to care, someone to say "I understand". Someone to make me feel secure. But it never happened. My friend, I know, can't face me anymore or look at me in the eye. For his guilt might not let him. I felt helpless and vulnerable. Paranoid even. That if something similar happens to me, there isn't going to be anyone who would stand up for me. There wouldn't be anyone who would listen to me. I became weary of the world. It was eating me up from the inside, the feeling. I was cynical and pessimistic. Because I only had myself to tend to. I...